Seriously, This Is The Most Beautiful Cover Letter Ever ...
I'm not in the market for a "real" job these days, though who knows when something fantastic may appear on my radar. But it occurred to me yesterday that it would be fun to write a cover letter in Trumpese. Trumpspeak, if you will. I posted my idea on Facebook, which prompted a fellow wordsmith friend to reply, "DO IT!" "I might write it as a blog post, if nothing else," I replied. So here I am. And hey, if a fantastic job opportunity comes along, I'll be ready to apply.
December 17, 2015
To Whom My Concern:
This very excellent letter is in response to your job posting for an editor. Nobody edits as well as me. Seriously. My editing is so beautiful. Also, I have the best command of the English language in history. See where I wrote "Nobody edits as well ..."? Most people would have written "Nobody edits as good ..." because they're losers and dummies. Why would you ever consider hiring them? I'm the best. Everybody says so. Especially my mother. My mother is the best mother of all time. Seriously. Mother Teresa was a hack compared to my mother. That lady always wore the same outfit. You know why? Because she lacked style, that's why. I have great style. But I digress. "Digress." See? That's a smart word to convey "I got off the subject," though, really, no thought of mine is ever off the subject because everything I think is important. That's why you're still reading this. Because you know I know more than you. You're lucky I'm still writing this. Someday, you'll be able to sell this letter for a lot of money. Seriously, so much money.
So you should hire me because I'm great. And I know a lot. My I.Q. is really, really high. My intelligence is so great, it really can't be measured. Those I.Q. tests, they're for losers. Except for the ones I've taken that have revealed my huge intelligence. Those tests were beautiful.
Of course, when you hire me, you should start cleaning out your office immediately. Seriously. I learn everything very fast. I will learn everything about your loser business in a day. And then I'll take over. And then I'll sell the company and make a huge profit. That's what I do. My huge intelligence compels me to make so much money.
Really, you should just sign your company over to me now. That way, your employees won't see you move out of your office when I take over. You see, I am a very, very compassionate person. I knew the guy who invented compassion but he was a loser, so I deported him. I knew I could make compassion huge. So huge. And gold. Gold is the best color. Silver would be gold if it could be, but it's too low energy. Silver will never be gold.
But loser people need metal, too. See? Huge compassion. I can't believe how nice I am. I probably shouldn't be so nice. You don't deserve it.
You know what? I don't want to be an editor at your loser company. But you can still have this letter and sell it for a lot of money. If I were you, though, I'd frame it and hang it up in your loser office. People will be very, very impressed that I took the time to write this letter to you.
I'm also shipping 1,000 framed head shots for you to hang up in your loser office so everyone will know you know me. The gold frames are the best and very, very classy. Of course, I expect you to pay the enclosed invoice immediately.