Thursday, April 04, 2013

The 'Really, Jayson? Really?' To End All 'Really, Jayson? Reallys.' ...

Yes, I know that "Reallys" is not a word. Just go with it.

Because holy mother of God on a pointy stick, when the latest email from Jayson landed in my inbox, I nearly hurled something across the room.

Astier de Villatte Candles - Starting at $83

Eighty-three dollars?! Starting at 83 freakin' dollars?!

It's a candle.

It's a 3.5" x 4" candle.

I don't care if it's made of vegetable wax.

I don't care if has a cotton wick.

I don't care if it's "inspired by worldwide locations and destinations both visited and imagined." No, wait. I do care, because what the hell does that even mean?!

I wouldn't pay $83 for a candle if it was the size of bucket.

I wouldn't pay $83 for a candle if it could tell me I looked beautiful and offered to buy me dinner.

I want to go to Jayson and lurk in the store and wait for anyone – any individual, sane person in the city of Chicago or the freakin' tri-state area – to walk up to one of those candles, pick it up, take a whiff, flip it over, see a price tag that reads $83, and then register a look of "Yeah, OK" and head to the desk to pay for it.

I want to see where that person lives. I want to understand how anyone in their right mind is going to spend $83 on a candle, the scent of which may be inspired by "worldwide locations and destinations both visited and imagined."

One of the inspirations appears to be the "visited" location of ... wait for it ... wait for it a second longer ... Alcatraz.

Ooh. So your home can either smell of a long-ago-decomissioned island prison or a village in the eastern part of the island of Maio, which, Wikipedia tells us, has a "dry desert climate and it receives little or no precipitation annually. Farmlands are nearly unavailable and ... its soil colour ranges from yellow-brown to red."

Gee, I can't decide which would be more alluring: the aroma of a desolate prison or the aroma of an arid island where the soil resembles nothing you'd want to see in a toilet.

Really, Jayson? Really?


Blogger angelo said...

I would like for you to do a staged reading of all your "Really, Jayson? Really?" Kind of like the "Vagina Monologues" but not...

11:17 PM  
Blogger Martwork said...

If it emptied my dishwasher I might consider it.......

11:17 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

Angelo, that can be arranged. I'll need someone to play bongos.

Marta, that's what your kids are for.

11:20 PM  
Anonymous Kristian Idol said...

You know where that person lives, Beth. And you can't get within a hundred yards of their house.

7:01 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Mitt Romney's LaJolla digs?

7:28 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home