Sunday, May 27, 2012

Color Rant ...

I just have to get this off my chest:

I. Hate. Kelly. Green.

I hate it. I really hate it. It pisses me off, kelly green. It offends me. It ... ooh, grr.

And I don't know why.

I love the color green. I love it. I have many shades of it in my home. I have many shades of it outside my home. (Trees are predictable like that. Grass, too.) I buy green clothes. I just recently bade farewell – yes, bade, dammit – to my favorite green sweatshirt.

The only instances in which I can abide kelly green are related to food. Well, if you count green LifeSavers as food. Which you shouldn't. And neither should I. There was a time when I liked Green River, but now I think that's disgusting, too.

So, basically, there exists almost no moment in my life nor place in my psyche in which I can abide kelly green.

Which is why I was on the verge last night of shouting at my television like I was channeling Lewis Black when I saw a makeover of a bedroom and they painted it kelly green.

I wanted to pick up the phone and call the person I know who knows the person who selected the color and tell him to tell him to go back in time and choose something else. Anything. Any other shade of green.

Because no one wants to live in a kelly-green room. And if they say they do, I will think they are lying. Because no one should want to live in a room like this.

This is not the room I saw on TV. I didn't even bother looking for the room I saw on TV. I never want to see that room again. That room pisses me off.

I can't explain it. I have no idea why I hate one specific hue in a color I otherwise love. It's not too yellow. It's not too blue. It is smack-dab, hardcore, right-in-the-middle, as-pure-as-green-gets green.

And I freakin' hate it.

And I hate that I saw a blog espousing the virtues of kelly green and the woman included a picture of Granny Smith apples!

Granny Smith apples aren't kelly green, you dolt. You can't spout off about how much you love kelly green if you don't understand the color that is the color kelly green.

Seriously, kids, keep me the hell away from kelly green. It's a trigger to a bad scene.

Though I will still happily accept the green Chuckle.

I guess the green Chuckle is the one exception to the rule.

But don't even talk to me about Fruit Stripe gum.

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