The XX Factor ...
Here I thought we deserved some respect, we proliferators of the human race.
No, no, it's no trouble, really, carrying the responsibility of perpetuating the species and making sure that your T-shirts are their very whitest. After all, that's why we're here, to birth your babies and bleach your loads.
Of course, we've been imbued with the miracle of bringing life into the world but that doesn't mean we have the good sense to make decisions for ourselves. So of course, if we participate in any sexual activity without the sole intent of creating a human being, we deserve to be branded as sluts. Never mind that two of the most terrifying words a man can ever hear are "I'm pregnant."
Forgive me my confusion – I don't possess a Republican Penis of Wisdom – but how is it that some men can want to have sex with women and want to deny them the right to birth control and recoil at the notion that they might knock up a girl or 20?
Gosh, gentlemen, you're just too virile for your own good!
But what's a handsome, brilliant, powerful man to do? You have needs.
The good news is, now that all we women know we're prostitutes, thanks to Mr. Limbaugh, the patron saint of misogynistic asswipes, you shouldn't have to pony up your hard-earned cash for our services anymore.
Supply and demand at its finest, this development. If every woman is a prostitute, that should drive down the price all the way to $0.
Actually, I think this means that we'll start paying you!
Because you know what's sexy? Almost every Republican member of the United States Senate voting for the Blunt amendment. Oh, yes, Mitch McConnell, you gorgeous turtle of a man, embolden my future employers to pass judgment on me, too. That is so hot.
What's that? Oh. Oops! There I go again, acknowledging that I sometimes have a fleeting thought about sex.
Naughty me. I'll have to practice my chastity.
I don't have any aspirin in my medicine cabinet. Will a liqui-gel do?
What a relief to no longer have to think about what I'll wear every day. I'll stock up on high-necked blouses and ankle-length skirts tomorrow. Does anyone know where I can get a deal on cameos?
Or has the GOP mandated burqas? I want to be sure to comply.
By the way, where can I donate my shoes? Clearly, I won't be needing them anymore.
And I'll sure miss driving. But think of all the money I'll save on gas.
Oh, wait a minute. I'm not supposed to be earning my own money, am I?
But I don't even own an apron, let alone pearls.
Whatever shall I do?
If anyone needs me, I'll be on my fainting couch.