Thursday, March 24, 2011

Becoming Spineful ...

Oh, how I hate confrontation.

The anger, the unease, the settling of scores.

For years, I laid down in the face of it. Let it walk all over me. Pathetic.

Oh, there were glimmers of chutzpah here and there. Pushed to a breaking point, I'd let loose. I've been known to yell.

But by and large, I swallow a lot of crap in the name of not making waves, even when waves are justified. Waves, after all, do propel us.

Tonight, I received a mass email from someone I thought was out of my life. Perhaps he didn't realize that I was still in his address book. Perhaps it went to everyone he's ever known. Perhaps he didn't realize that I never wanted to hear from him again, though in this day and age, being deleted on Facebook should be a pretty good sign. And being deleted on LinkedIn. And the fact that I have had no contact with him for more than a year.

So there he was, in my inbox, and my inclination was to reply to him, only to say, "Kindly remove me from your address book. Thanks."

"... kindly," see? Because I'm nice that way.

But I wavered. It felt mean somehow. Never mind that what he did more than a year ago felt mean to me. Never mind that I truly don't want to hear from him again. Still, why the waffling?

I ran through a mental checklist:

☑ Did I want to resume a relationship with him? No.

☑ Did I want to resume a friendship with him? No.

☑ Was there any benefit to maintaining contact with him? No.

☑ Was I being unreasonable? No.

So I hit "Reply" and typed in my request and hit "Send."

And I feel a bit fluttery. Unpleasantly fluttery. From the finality of closing a door.

But then, I remind myself that I had already closed it. He simply may not have noticed. He may have thought it was open, even if only ajar.

But it is not. Was not. And now he'll know.

Somewhere, then, I'll expect another door to open.

2 Comments:

Blogger angelo said...

Woo to the Hoo for You! Gooooo Spine.

10:20 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

:o )

Thank you.

10:26 AM  

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