Sunday, May 09, 2010

Spell: Broken ...

It's not that I've spent a lot of time thinking about him for the past however many years. I haven't. But there was always a sense of supplication, even after. Which was ridiculous. Is ridiculous. No, was. Until tonight.

Because a memory just flashed through my mind of a particularly unforgivable act he pulled years ago, a memory I'd long since forgotten, or, more accurately, had simply not remembered, but tonight, it made itself known again, and even though I'd mostly gotten over my awe of him – poof! – tonight, it's gone.

There was a lot that was good about him, that may still be good about him, I wouldn't know. But in those moments all those years ago, I made excuse after excuse. Behavior I would not have tolerated from anyone else I tolerated from him, because I so wanted to be a part of his circle.

And in some ways, I was, I was very inside, I was practically the bulls eye – or so he led me to believe – but at what cost? My sense of self?

How absurd, to be willing to pay that price. And for so little in return. For crumbs.

Interestingly, just the other day, I burned a note from him, something I'd kept all these years because I thought it said so much about me, when instead, the fact that I'd kept it all these years really said so much about who I do not want to be. And so, I sent it up in flames, burned through the bindings I'd assigned to it, unwittingly.

And now, tonight, officially, the spell is broken, though it had been weakening into a whisper over time.

Another lesson learned.

Onward.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interesting.

Most people develop deeper knowledge and greater understanding of human nature as they grow older, all of which tends to make them MORE forgiving of the people they've crossed paths with in the course of their lives -- not LESS.

Maybe you're the exception who proves the rule.

12:08 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

Oh, my understanding of human nature continues to grow. I don't wish him any ill will. I've just finally gotten right in my own head about it all.

12:11 PM  

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