Sunday, February 21, 2010

Writing ...

I've written quite a lot this week, I just haven't written it here.

And now, I'm writing in bed, which I don't usually do. I keep a blank bound book, black, next to my bed to jot down thoughts as they come to me, usually bits of dialogue for the screenplay I'll finish someday, but this morning, instead of setting up on the loveseat in the living room the way I usually do, I waited until the coffee was done, poured a cup, grabbed my laptop and wandered back to my room.

I arranged all my pillows for leaning, and now here I am, feeling rather Princess and the Pea. Though slightly more terrestrial.

At my desk, earlier, on Twitter, I wrote, "It's very grey outside this morning, as though the gloom is trying harder than usual."

"And my orange juice is more acidic than sweet. Hmmph. I do believe the best course of action is to pour some coffee and retreat to bed."

So here I am.

I have a piece I've been mulling, a personal piece, not something I'll publish on here. Because while I'm happy to share most of my life, the mundane, the minutiae, the occasionally profound, some thoughts are too personal to publish for all the world to read.

Those with Internet access, anyway.

But another thought I've been mulling is about the relationships in my life, and how some lie somewhat dormant for ages and then reappear – like the ladybug I saw making its way across the floor yesterday; where did it come from, this ladybug in February? – and how others you thought would always be are necessarily not.

And that there needn't be a formal end to them. They just trail off. And those inauspicious endings say a lot about what they meant – or didn't mean – in their prime.

It might be nice to have the power, just for a day, to change the things I wanted to change but to maintain the things I wanted to maintain. If I didn't want someone to go away, they wouldn't. If I wanted someone to go away, they would. And apply that power to whatever I chose.

I'm sure I'd quickly tire of it, I'd miss the unexpectedness of life. And I should learn to cherish that.

There may have been a point to this post when I started it. But now, I think I'd rather get more coffee, power down, and read. I'm returning to reading in a more substantial way. I've missed it. My life has gotten too electronic.

As I wrote to my friend Mike the other night, on Twitter, of course, "I plan to spend the evening ... reading a book! It's a design book so there are many pictures, but it doesn't run on electricity!"

To which he replied, in good fun, "No electricity? But...but? So, it has a battery? No, wait, batteries have electricity. So how does it *go*? Head...hurts...."

So I wrote, "I wish I could send a schematic to you, but it's like this: You hold it, and then, with your hands, you open it and turn pages!"

And then he responded, "Sounds like witchery to me! WITCHERY! Can't work without power - UNLESS IT'S POWERED BY THE DEVIL. *lights firebrand, advances*" Mike is British and charming and always fun.

But none of the books in the teetering stack next to my bed looks to be Satanic, none are warm to the touch or smell of brimstone. So I think I'll be quite safe, whatever I choose. Every one of them has been started. It's just a matter of which one I'd like to finish first.

I may not even turn on music today. Perhaps today's soundtrack will simply be the occasional hum of my furnace and the sounds from the cars outside.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

It depends on who does the reappearing. Some women tend to disappear from their women friends lives upon entering a relationship. Some men who reappear do so because their most recent relationship has ended and they are looking to fill a void. Obviously I don't know what the details are pertaining to your situation and don't mean to imply anything. I could be way off from the real meaning of your entire entry today. I'm just saying that a straight man who "trailed off" probably did so because of a woman. And it's much easier for him to rebound with a familiar face than to start from scratch. Keep your guard up.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Oh, the reasons run the gamut.

Yes, one straight man recently trailed off because he got married. Hello! Thanks for not letting me know! So much for friendship meaning enough to let me know about massive life changes.

Another one, though, is a friendship (with a gay man, whom I met in college) which ebbs more than it flows, but when it flows, it's like riding a bike. And every other metaphor you'd like to throw into the mix. : o )

And yet another recently resurfaced only for me to finally understand how unsubstantive our relationship has always been, even though it felt very profound in the past.

Lots of changes afoot these days. Or maybe no more than usual, and I'm simply more aware of them, presently.

11:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you're just more aware. I love moments of clarity, especially when they pertain to men.

9:43 PM  

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