Tuesday, January 05, 2010

'Conveyor Belt Of Love' ...

Oh, how I wish I had made that up. But no, "Conveyor Belt of Love" is an actual show. On an established (and in my mind, now less-respected) network: ABC.

Last night, my cell phone rang. Very few people call me on my cell phone. Hell, very few people call me. But I digress.

It was Angela. I saw her name in the display just as the phone stopped ringing. I texted her back, suggesting she call my landline. I don't get good cell reception in my house. Then I saw an e-mail from her, telling me about "Conveyor Belt of Love." She told me to turn to channel 7. She wanted me to see it for myself.

So I did.

I was on Facebook at the time, so allow me to pull over my initial thoughts:

"This is it, right? This is the nadir of civilization, right? It has to start getting better from here. Right?"

"I. Can't. Stop. Laughing. This is the most asinine thing I've ever seen! Thanks for calling to tell me to tune in, Angela! This is the best worst thing I've ever seen!"

"Am I seeing a man in a Speedo holding a sleeping Pomeranian?"

"Did I just write that sentence?!"

"Georgia Boy made a 'rose' out of a paper napkin! Note to all potential suitors (of me): DO NOT EVER MAKE A ROSE FOR ME OUT OF A PAPER NAPKIN."

"Is dude really Native American or is he channeling one of the Village People?"

"The Pomeranian is named Rambo?!"

It was funny at the time. It may be funny in the future, not that I'll be watching again.

But in the grey light of morning, reflecting on it, it's just sad.

It encapsulates all that's wrong with dating in one show. All the women are, oh, 25? All are "hot." The producers went for "diversity" and cast an Asian woman, a Middle Eastern woman, a Blonde woman, a Brunette woman, and, if memory serves, another Brunette woman.

They sit on a dais. They hold large paddles. On one side, "Interested," on the other side, "Not Interested."

And then men start moving across the stage on a conveyor belt.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

Some men are automatically met with five "Not Interested"s and they just keep on, um, conveying, right off the stage.

But sometimes the girls (I'm sorry; technically, yes, they're women, but it's hard to think of them as anything but girls) like what they see and the dude on the belt gets to make his case.

So then the girls render their judgments. If more than one girl indicates that she's "Interested," the guy gets to choose the girl with whom he wants to be paired from the "Interested" pool of girls.

And then he stands elsewhere on the stage, off the belt, on a platform that contains the girl's name. The idea is for each girl to send one guy to the platform to be her date later.

But wait! The guys keep coming! And girls can bump their current guy if someone better comes along.

Isn't that charming? They don't even know the guys yet, but some of them get the heave-ho.

Eventually, all the guys have appeared and then the girls go on their dates and actually get to know the guys. Whatever there is to know.

I'm shaking my head and sighing now.

It's too bad that "vapid" doesn't rhyme with "Cupid," otherwise we could craft a much more clever name for the show.

Keiko, the Asian girl, decides early on that she wants the buff guy in the Speedo holding the Pomeranian. She never wavers in her decision. His name, turns out, is Johnny. "I want you to worship me," she tells him on their date. Lovely. That's the basis for a good relationship.

In the end, even their dogs don't get along.

Ah, karma, thanks for letting me know you're still around.

Of course, the "hot" girls are all attracted to the "hot" guys, so the guys who come across the stage who are less than cover-model handsome or have a waist size above 30 or might, God forbid, have some quirkiness about them are either automatically written off or bumped in later rounds.

Except one guy, a sommelier. For a white wine, he likes Riesling.

Like, ohmygod! Blonde loves Riesling, but the sweet stuff, not the dry stuff!

So, like, she totally chooses him, even though the other girls are all looking at her like, "Gawd, are you kidding me? Look at him. I mean, he doesn't even have gel in his hair! And he's wearing, like, khakis, and they have, like, a pleated front! Don't you know that you're totally ruining your future?!"

Sommelier and Blonde go on a date. A wine tasting. And he just can't believe that a girl like her would ever go for a guy like him.

And one of the Brunettes wants to go on a date with her guy again, even though he planned a picnic for them, and brought cheese, and she's lactose-intolerant. But he has really soft lips, so he'll advance to Date No. 2.

The only dating show I've ever watched intentionally is "Beauty and the Geek," which I thought was a clever premise when it first landed on TV. Of course, the geeks are made over during the show, and like, ohmygod!, the girls just totally can't believe how cute those guys are underneath all their geekiness!

Because, of course, as we all know, looks are really the only thing that matter. Which is why every bachelor on "The Bachelor" looks like he was just yanked out of a cover shoot for "GQ." And all the women look like variations of Barbie.

But at least The Bachelor gets to travel by limousine, not a conveyor belt in sight.

Update! Need to see it for yourself? You can watch the whole episode! Click here! Click here! Hurry!

4 Comments:

Anonymous Tracy said...

OMG I must see this show!

9:42 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

You can watch it online!

http://abc.go.com/watch/conveyor-belt-of-love/246002/245979

I'll add the link to the post!

9:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And by watching this dreck, you wasted 2 hours of your life that you will never get back. (To paraphrase the late, great Gene Siskel.)

7:49 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Well, the show was only an hour, and I tuned in late, so I wasted about 40 minutes, if you want to think of it that way, but I don't. It was a 40-minute glimpse of the inanity of the world of dating, which was entertaining even as it was stomach-turning. And that's quite a balance to strike!

Never before had I had the opportunity to write a sentence that contained both "Speedo" and "Pomeranian," and I probably won't ever again.

8:00 AM  

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