Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Up To Me ...

It happened in the bathroom.

I was putting on what passes for my face – I don't wear much makeup – thinking about an issue that's been exacting quite the mental toll of late, when it hit me.

"Ohmygod!" I yelled.

I don't have epiphanies often. But when I do, wow, they're the epiphaniest!

Years ago, I had a dream about my friend Dave. We were on a train (no, it wasn't that kind of dream; we just happened to be in the dining car on a train), sitting face to face at a small table and his hands were outstretched toward me, palms up, and he was handing to me a small figure of Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz."

"Is this to remind me that I always have everything I need, inside me?" I asked.

And he smiled at me.

And that was the end of the dream. My subconscious headed off in another direction, distracted, no doubt, by something shiny.

Yesterday, in the bathroom, I remembered that dream.

Do you know what it meant?

It meant that I always have everything I need, inside me.

Yeah, I know. I already knew that.

But I hadn't applied it to the situation at hand.

I had been mired in unease because I was operating on the assumption that the other party held all the power.

But that's not the case.

I hold half of it. My half. And I can use it in whatever way I choose.

And so I choose to respond to the situation in the way that best serves me, and damn if my day didn't get a whole lot better after that realization.

The morning was full of laughter. An interview I'd been pursuing for a story gelled. (I'll tell you who I'm talking to, next week, once we've spoken.) I went out with my mom to our favorite little Italian place and had a lovely lunch. Mom even wanted to split a dessert! And then we ran errands, and even they were delightful.

At Target, I scored two seasons of "House" on DVD and shimmery, berry-flavored ChapStik. (If I couldn't buy my favorite brand, shimmery and berry-flavored seemed like the way to go.)

At Bed Bath & Beyond, I scored a new cutting board and a meat thermometer! I know!

At Office Depot, I scored a new desk-blotter calendar and both medium and large binder clips! I have an unnatural affinity for binder clips. I love binder clips.

At the grocery store, I bought milk, eggs, and heavy cream. My mom looked at me strangely when I picked up the heavy cream. "I want to make scones for us," I said. So, scones I shall make.

And last night, I watched "The Kennedy Center Honors" and my face was wet with tears for most of the two hours. It was outstanding. And it culminated with a tribute to Bruce.


I was aware through the day, though, that sometimes mental shifts are fleeting, so I was curious to see how I'd feel when I woke up in the morning.


I feel great. I brewed a pot of coffee and fired up the computer and dialed up "Born to Run," the album, not just the song, which is the soundtrack to this part of my morning.

My ex getting hitched is a good thing, all around. I wish he and his wife every happiness, really, I do. It would have been nice to learn about the nuptials in some sort of personal way, not read about them on Facebook, but c'est la vie.

And the slamming of that door has helped me to close others.

And the timing couldn't be better, what with the new year right around the corner.

Here's to wiping the slate clean.


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