Monday, December 28, 2009

To The Sea ...

This is my metaphor:

I am a ship that has been tethered to its moorings too long in the port of the present and the past.

But I have been drifting out toward the open sea, toward vast waters that I have yet to sail.

And the lines that have held me to the dock have been being strained, but at last, the pull on them has gotten too great and – ping! – there they all go, snapping suddenly and setting me free.

Such is the story of the men in my life and 2009.

Tonight's realization that a college boyfriend was recently wed has left me slightly speechless. Not entirely speechless, mind you. Clearly, I'm finding words to write.

It's not the fact that he got married that's stunned me slightly. It's that I found out when I stopped by his Facebook page and read comments posted by others.

Given that he had taken to calling on a regular basis in recent months, you'd think he'd have mentioned that he had a wedding in the offing.

But then again, no.

And I've mentioned the man I was dating earlier this year, though I don't believe I mentioned that he announced, smack dab in the middle of a very romantic dinner at the conclusion of a week in which we saw each other every day, that he didn't want to be in a day-to-day relationship.

That was an evening-ender. Not to mention a relationship-ender. Though, apparently, we weren't in a relationship all along. We were dating. Casually. Which I didn't know.

In my world, casual dating entails dating, fun things like dinner and drinks, maybe a visit to a comedy club or taking in a movie. In my world, casual dating does not involve stopping at the dry cleaners and picking up a new city sticker, getting the car washed and running to the laundromat. I understand that all those things are necessary, and if I'm in a relationship with someone, I'm happy to participate in life's banalities. But if we're just supposed to be having fun, then we should be having fun. He can save the trip to Office Depot for another time.

And then there was the man whose behavior I've referred to in a past post as "exquisitely asinine." There was a lesson to be learned from him, of course. That lesson? Ignoring intuition only works for so long. Eventually, those thoughts and suspicions that dawn on you but which you try to discount will manifest themselves in spades.

And there were others in my life this year, each of them taking their respective place along the continuum, but I won't delve into details. You get the idea.

In the moments that these instances have come to pass over the past year, I have felt as though I've been dealt a series of blows, some harder than others.

But among all the not-torrid tales exists a silver lining. Two silver linings, actually. One is called "awareness." The other, "fodder."

Like Diane Keaton's character in "Something's Gotta Give," I can translate my liaisons into lucre.

I can, that is. Whether or not I will remains to be seen.

Perhaps examination of these pieces of my past are part of what awaits my exploration on the open sea. Or perhaps they are people and places best left behind.

Amorous trinkets of treasure or flotsam and jetsam?

Time will tell.

For now, I welcome the comprehensive clarity about the collective situation. Everything changes, whether or not that change is sought.

So it's best to look ahead.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You tend to use the word "relationship" a lot in your dealings with other. Maybe you need to redefine what that means for you and the people in your life. As a semi-regular reader of your blog, I feel like you're getting disappointed by people, a lot. Is it possible you jump ahead to "relationship" before others do? Just a thought.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

I do use the word "relationship" a lot, but in different ways. Technically, we have a relationship with every person with whom we relate on some level, though some of those relationships might be better suited to synonyms such as kinship or friendship.

But in the case of Mr. Casual Dating, yes, I did jump ahead to "relationship" based on the frequency of our interaction and how "couple-y" things felt.

10:33 AM  

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