Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Closing Emotional Doors ...

Having slipped over the transom that divided the previous decade from the present, I find myself in a new headspace.

I want to clear my slate. I want to embark upon this next phase of my life with everything in its place.

The accoutrement from the party is packed away. The only evidence that remains are the birthday cards taped up where holiday cards will soon take their place, and ever-dwindling packets of cheese and other noshy bits in the fridge.

These days, it is order I seek. Once the guests left on Saturday, I considered merely rinsing out wine glasses and stacking platters and tackling the whole shebang in the morning. But instead, I filled the sink with warm water and soap and proceeded to make everything clean. I didn't want to wake up to dirty dishes on Sunday. I wanted to go to bed knowing that things were done.

And in the few days that have passed since, with the house in order, the external manifestations managed, my desire for order has turned inward.

I have, for far too long, held on to relationships that had long since faded. They persisted only because of mutual refusals to let them go. But those tethers to one another have kept us rooted, our respective spheres limited by the radiuses of our selves, our hands clasped at the metaphorical midpoint.

But what is served by such situations? Not growth, but stagnation. The clumsiness of a three-legged race.

And so, now that the glassware is washed and dried and stowed away, now that the linens are stripped, and the furniture is once again configured, the tasks at hand are those in my heart.

It is time to close the doors on those relationships, time to tuck that love away, turning the knobs and pressing my palm against the smooth grain, shutting them silently, reverently.

I will still pause there from time to time, considering what's on the other side. But I will remind myself that there are open doors ahead, beckoning me to walk through.


Blogger Doreen said...

Open the box Beth .... Because I can not be there in person .... This is BIG!!! This is Grown Up ... this is all part of the "process".

I can testify and witness how difficult it cam be and I heartily applaud your arriving at this momentous place in your heart.


8:03 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

Thank you, my friend.

The box to which Doreen refers is her birthday gift to me, a lovely wooden box which contains a sensor which triggers a chip that plays that sound of a crowd cheering. She gave me my own cheering section! How fab is that?!

8:11 PM  
Anonymous Mikeachim said...

As always - beautifully put.

And yes, doors are for walking through. Otherwise they're just another wall, and god knows there are enough of *them* in this life.

7:25 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

Thank you, my dear.

7:34 PM  
Blogger Rick Hamrick said...

Beth, you are blessed with a friend who is omnipresent like Doreen is in your life.

What I find most delightful is your willingness to admit there will be times when you will look back, when you will revisit the memory of those relationships which are now done.

There is always more to be garnered from our past experiences. It is a sign of your ever-growing wise and intuitive self that you know you will look back for the next bit of magic which the past holds in store for your future.

Fifty will be even better, Beth.

7:54 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

I am blessed with many, many friends, Rick, present company very much included.

And surely I will look back. The people of my past are a part of who I am, and our relationships have taught me a great deal, information that I will draw on as I move forward.

I'm sure 50 will be even better. But for now, I'm going to relish 40.

And a bagel.

8:39 AM  

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