Monday, October 19, 2009

Fullness ...

Every day, my heart teeters on the brink of overflowing.

It is often too full. It exceeds its capacity. The excess rolls down my cheeks in salty streams.

I don't know from whence emotion comes. My heart? My head?

I do know, however, that they, together, often rope in other parts.

Friday night, I wrote: "I can take only shallow breaths. There is scarcely room in my lungs for anything but grief."

I sat on the couch, at times sobbing, at times feeling the grief build up so intensely that I could hear the rushing of my blood.

Sometimes, I hold myself back, make myself stop. Other times, I am powerless that way.

More than half my life ago, a cousin died unexpectedly. I loved her but we didn't know each other well. She was quite a bit older and lived in other parts of the world throughout her all-too-brief life.

But I remember her memorial service and my inability to stop crying. I knew I must be affecting her family even more than they were already affected, but my will mattered not. I desperately wanted to be quiet but grief was insistent on having its way.

And I wonder, now, if I wasn't, then, crying for much more than the loss of my cousin. I wonder if in that church, on that day, I was expressing sadness that I had suppressed in many moments past.

I know that Friday's expression was about much more than the sadness that surrounds the last days of a sweet little life. Her story evokes emotions extreme and raw. The unfairness of it all. But inside there is so much I've held onto, held back. Memories of those I miss, those who have passed away but also those who remain, present in the world but lost to me.

My mind may not believe that some are gone but it can comprehend. I cannot call. They will not answer. They are not there.

A reality that becomes more real with time.

But my heart aches differently for the others. I accept their silence, trust that our time had ticked away. But it is strange, to have known someone, to have loved someone, and think of them moving through the world, while I stay on this side of the glass.

Tonight has felt like no time at all. I do not know how the clock has slunk into Monday, do not know why my body does not insist on sleep.

Though my breaths are slightly deeper. There is a resignation to the way things will be, to the choices others will make and have made.

But it is not quite peace.


Blogger OneMan said...


8:13 AM  
Blogger Doreen said...

Let it flow .... regardless of where it is "from" - it is a shift and wants to come out. As you advised me ... Shrek says "Better out than in"


8:14 AM  

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