Sunday, July 05, 2009

Lip Service ...

Sleep is fickle.

Lately and for many months, I've gotten into the bad habit of allowing myself to fall asleep on the couch. When I rouse myself and head to bed, I often find myself wide awake, staring at the ceiling, trying to sleep but having little success.

The other night, lying there, I started to think about the men I've kissed.

Now, I have no idea if the handful of men I've dated read my blog, and of course I won't use their names. I don't want to offend anyone. But some kissing practices simply must be stopped. This post is just my way of doing my small part of behalf of womankind to end our collective liplock suffering.

The thing is, kissing is fundamental. Some people's lips simply seem to fit together, others don't. Kissing, in that way, is an early indicator of compatibility.

The following categories are presented in no particular order. That said, any man who may recognize himself herein should not despair. Women, very often, are willing teachers. Which isn't to say that there aren't women out there who are bad kissers. I'm sure there are. But I've never kissed another woman, so this post is about men.

The Static Tongue — Why, yes, you do have a tongue in your mouth. What's that, you say? You'd like to use it as part of your kissing technique? OK. The key, then, becomes to use it. Actively. Simply sticking your tongue out of your mouth (speaking collectively here) and into ours doesn't leave us with many options now, does it? What are we supposed to do with it once it arrives?

The Slobberer — Swallow first, please. No, we don't want to kiss cottonmouths, but we don't need all your saliva. We have our own, thanks.

The "ChapStick? What's ChapStick?" — You know how you love kissing someone with really soft lips? So do we.

The Too-Much-Mouth — Gentlemen. Please. Let us do something. When you (again, speaking collectively here) put your entire mouth over ours, it ceases to be kissing. It becomes CPR. The following graphical depiction (from is exaggerated, but also amusing (to those of us who have been on the receiving end of such treatment):

Ladies, others you'd like to add?

Men, you're welcome to share your peeves in the comments, too, of course.


Blogger Mercurie said...

This might sound odd for a guy, but one of my biggest complaints is tonguing. I hate having someone else's tongue in my mouth (active or not) and I don't like sticking mine in someone else's mouth either. But then that's just me....

11:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow Mercurie that is too bad that you don't like the tongue. I love it, I even love eating cow tongue (don't knock it 'til you try it, it's just like beef briskett). But I digress. While I do like the occasional swipe on the inside of my lips, I never liked the guy who was constantly licking the inside of my lips/top and bottom gums. Weird. -Gretchen

1:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the anticipation of the first kiss in a relationship. That kiss tells me a lot about the person and often where the relationship is headed. Noel

9:21 PM  
Blogger Rick Hamrick said...

In my opinion, the secret to great kissing is less about technique and more the sensitivity with which one can interact.

In other words, being flexible and willing to go with what clearly pleases your kissing partner is the way to go.

Mercurie, I'm sad on your behalf.

6:29 AM  

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