Lip Service ...
Lately and for many months, I've gotten into the bad habit of allowing myself to fall asleep on the couch. When I rouse myself and head to bed, I often find myself wide awake, staring at the ceiling, trying to sleep but having little success.
The other night, lying there, I started to think about the men I've kissed.
Now, I have no idea if the handful of men I've dated read my blog, and of course I won't use their names. I don't want to offend anyone. But some kissing practices simply must be stopped. This post is just my way of doing my small part of behalf of womankind to end our collective liplock suffering.
The thing is, kissing is fundamental. Some people's lips simply seem to fit together, others don't. Kissing, in that way, is an early indicator of compatibility.
The following categories are presented in no particular order. That said, any man who may recognize himself herein should not despair. Women, very often, are willing teachers. Which isn't to say that there aren't women out there who are bad kissers. I'm sure there are. But I've never kissed another woman, so this post is about men.
✓ The Static Tongue — Why, yes, you do have a tongue in your mouth. What's that, you say? You'd like to use it as part of your kissing technique? OK. The key, then, becomes to use it. Actively. Simply sticking your tongue out of your mouth (speaking collectively here) and into ours doesn't leave us with many options now, does it? What are we supposed to do with it once it arrives?
✓ The Slobberer — Swallow first, please. No, we don't want to kiss cottonmouths, but we don't need all your saliva. We have our own, thanks.
✓ The "ChapStick? What's ChapStick?" — You know how you love kissing someone with really soft lips? So do we.
✓ The Too-Much-Mouth — Gentlemen. Please. Let us do something. When you (again, speaking collectively here) put your entire mouth over ours, it ceases to be kissing. It becomes CPR. The following graphical depiction (from
Ladies, others you'd like to add?
Men, you're welcome to share your peeves in the comments, too, of course.