Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Insane Olympics ...

And the men clinch the gold!

Below, an exchange with a now-former Facebook "friend."

He was upset that a mutual friend, a person who is a friend of mine but whom he only knows online – and whose name is redacted here and replaced with "[friend]" – recently unfriended him. He wanted to talk to me on the phone. I was tired so I replied with an e-mail:

[Name redacted], some points to ponder:

You write, "try telling her such things, and out comes her defense mechanisms." But then you also write, "actually, add her to the list."

I'm sure you've considered that when it comes to all the women on "the list," you are the common factor.

Perhaps what you're defining as "defense mechanisms" are simply the other person not being interested in pursuing something with you.

So when you arrive at "i pushed her away," the key word there is "pushed."

Some people – most people– aren't a match. You need to accept a woman's decision, not keep pushing. Pushing is never the answer.

If you're in a store and you're browsing and a sales person follows you around and constantly tries to sell you something, are you more or less inclined to buy that something?

You want to arrive at the decision to buy on your own. Having someone insist that you want to buy something doesn't work.

I'm sorry that you're a little heartbroken, but such is the nature of relationships.

In my book, in any situation that doesn't end the way you hoped it would, it's best to reflect on what transpired and learn something about yourself in the hopes of altering the outcome the next time.

Then I received this:

Beth, I asked for a phone call. Why can't you talk on the phone like an adult? Why are you responding over email? You know very well that this is hard to talk about over email.

And then I received this:


I feel I can address your criticisms, but I just can't manage that over email. If you are sincere about your ideas, you'll hear me explain my perspective about this over the phone.

Briefly, I was very clear to [friend] that I was just friends with her. Now maybe you can't say you have deep association for someone, and just be their friend, but I can. I'm fine with that. So was she, until I showed her a mirror. Likewise, my criticisms of her were, very on target, appropriate, and good for her to hear. I did this because I feel that I understand a part of her that I think you don't, and I'm being a friend. I would prefer to keep the details of that between her and I, but hey, if you want to hear it, I'll show you what I got.

So drop the rudimentary math, would you? This isn't fractional dynamics, it's more like set theory:

A=Truth is hard for some people to hear.
B=Good friends say it like it is.
There is nothing more here than the union of those two truths.

Good night, Beth.

I very much miss my friend.

Unfortunately for him, I refuse to be "spoken" to in such a manner. "Why can't you talk on the phone like an adult?"

So I replied with this:

[Name redacted], I didn't *feel* like talking on the phone, that's why. I've been really tired today. Just because *you* wanted something, doesn't mean you get it. So you got an e-mail because I wanted to be nice enough to reply in some form.

And phrases like, "So drop the rudimentary math, would you?" do you no favors toward endearing people to you. I didn't have to respond at all, but I did. You copping a tone with me is perhaps exactly what the issue is between you and [friend].

At the end of the day, you need to remember, you don't KNOW either of us. An e-mail/Facebook relationship only gets you so far.

So don't insult me by suggesting I'm not an adult. Don't draw conclusions unless you know you have all the information. THIS is a perfect example of what's wrong. I owe you NOTHING, yet you're dare to be pissed that I didn't give you what YOU wanted?

Grow up.

And then I unfriended him. But this morning, I was treated to this:

Yeah, well I got something that trumps your concerns. You are ignoring that I invested my time and energy caring about then getting defreinded by a wallowing insecure broken-winged mom, who doesn't have the guts to see she not only made an ass of herself, but she kicked out the guy that told her the truth for a change.

Listen, BETH. The reason why you get the tone is because you are an immature co-dependent, and you are not at all a good friend to [friend]. A good friend would have got on the god damn phone. You are one excuse after another. Just like [friend]...Both little suburban crossed-wire left behinds. You both clearly attend the same quack-pot nunnery.

But I guess that's ok, Beth. That's what you both want. You both have an aversion to men that you can't and don't want to deal with. That's why you are alone, Beth. It has nothing to do with men, It's you. At least I have a real excuse for not being married. Get out of the burbs slumdog, it has sacked your mind. Hey, and while you are at it, look in the mirror, Beth. You are getting old, and you 're maturity just reverted to your teenage years.

Run away from truth...go ahead. At the end of the day, I know you better than you know yourself.

And you just made my point.

Who needs assholes like you and [friend], Beth? No men need that. That's why you are alone. You'll spend the rest of your life realizing how men won't put up with your bullshit.

You are now the running joke of IL. Get off your ass and get a job.

Low life.



Anonymous Mikeachim said...

Lovely piece of work. I'm delighted you posted it. It's a fun read.

That is to say, what a c*ck.

I'm aware that there are people like this in the world, but it still amazes me. They belong in the 1890s in the Midwest, where they would immediately be shot and then dragged round town behind a horse.

Dear Mr Misogynistic "You Can't Handle The Truth" Moron-Child,

Many thanks for the chuckle, and lots of love with sprinkles.

7:01 AM  
Blogger Rick Hamrick said...

Is it just me, or did he seem to respond somewhat immaturely to being removed from your friends list, Beth?

[checking list] Nope, nowhere on my master list of techniques for getting along with women appear "name calling," "tossing insults," or "bile spitting."

Could be the boy has a ways to go on his winding path toward late adolescence.

9:02 AM  
Anonymous Jay said...

Gee, he obviously knows you so well... He didn't even realize you don't live in IL...

9:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Umm...isn't Chicago in IL???

12:46 PM  
Blogger Mercurie said...

Wow. He really sounds like a piece of work. And I can't follow his reasoning. How is calling on the phone more adult than responding with an email? I don't think he just has a way to go before reaching late adolescence. Sounds like he has a way to go before getting out of diapers...

2:43 PM  
Blogger Jeff Hunter said...


6:19 AM  
Blogger Natalie810 said...

well, my word (clutching palm to chest)

9:36 AM  
Blogger Doreen said...


Who crapped in his Ben & Jerry's??

Talk about someone holding a mirror up. Mr. Redacted has some issues in his tissues!!!

And I love the fact that my word verification for this is miteduct!!

11:09 AM  
Blogger OneMan said...

Serious tool...

I find it funny he is acting like facebook is high school with you, since ironically you the least high school of anyone I knew in high school...

Your better than that and you know that....

4:57 PM  
Blogger JMH said...

This was easily the worst thing in my Google Reader today. Forgive my candor, but that last e-mail was mean to an absurd degree. There are people who talk to other people like that? I guess that should be a statement and not a question. I guess I'm naive, but I'd sure like to stay that way.

9:02 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

Thanks, pals.

Mike: "... lots of love with sprinkles" are five of the most perfect words ever assembled!

Rick: Immature. Check. Zygotic, even. Though that comparison is an insult to zygotes.

Jay: I don't like to reveal this, but I actually don't know myself at all. I'm a complete stranger.

Anon: Like Cheney, I spend a lot of time in a secret location.

Mercurie: Thanks for the chuckle!

Jeff: Way to be succinct!

Nat: Right?

Doreen: "Who crapped in his Ben & Jerry's??" is one of the funniest things I've ever read!

OneMan: Thank you. And I think I was "high school" starting in second grade. At least, that's when I started carrying a purse. God, I was a weird kid.

JMH: Indeed, sadly, there are people who talk to other people like that, "... absurd," indeed.

9:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jeez, this is VICIOUS.

Was this public flogging really necessary? Think about it: It was Saturday night, the guy was lonely, feeling like a loser, and he’d probably imbibed too much of one or another substances. Presumably you had the cooler head; why rise to his bait? And then why exceed even HIS level of hostility, retaliating by posting a private exchange to a public forum? Why not just “defriend” him and leave it at that?

No one deserves such scorched-earth treatment – not even this misogynist.

9:50 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

No, "vicious" would have been publishing his name and address.

I have no regrets about posting what he wrote to me. He's allowed to verbally assault me but I'm not allowed to point out – while keeping him anonymous – his behavior?

This isn't the first time he's done this. He wrote an equally abusive e-mail to the friend to whom I refer in the post.

Women not revealing this kind of behavior in relationships allows it to perpetuate.

10:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But he did not "verbally assault" you in a public forum. It was a private, online exchange. Granted, it got pretty darn snarky, but it was private, not public, until you chose to make it so.

Exposing this dismal exchange strikes me as an act of vengeance, pure and simple -- and I suspect it's unlikely to discourage this kind of behavior on the part of the perp.

IMHO, it's stoking the anger and resentment that allows this kind of behavior to perpetuate. But that's me.

10:50 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Perhaps. If it were me – though it would never be me, because I would never speak to someone the way he spoke to me, but if it were me – and I read what I'd written in the context of this post, I'd be so embarrassed at my behavior, I'd never do it again.

But that's probably wishful thinking where he's concerned.

10:55 AM  
Blogger Rick Hamrick said...

Please allow me to get this straight, Anon...are you condoning the lack of consequence you seem to be offering for this kind of behavior?

Abusive behavior is very seldom public, and publicizing the behavior--not the identity--is very seldom anything but letting some fresh air carry away the stink and light chase the darkness back into the corners.

It's hard to call this a public flogging when the perp is allowed to remain anonymous.

Could be you're the perp, for all I know and for all you reveal. Certainly, your reaction is a puzzling one, pretending this was somehow an attack on anyone other than Beth and her friend.

I'm siding with Beth on this one. If one chooses to behave badly, one can expect a result which is less than ideal. If one behaves really badly, sometimes one's behavior is published on the internet. Beth was kind enough to redact his name. That action on her part removes any sting you might claim for this public humiliation.

11:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry, but this Anon is not the perp, just someone who has concerns over the widespread invocation of incivil rights in cyberspace.

My point was we need not engage in the virtual mud-wrestling that’s become so common in the blogosphere. And with that I will now cease and desist, lest I be accused of same.

12:56 PM  
Anonymous J. Drew Scott said...

Wow, that's a shocker! Vegas had women winning the Insane Olympics in a walk! The oddsmakers are still scratching their heads over this decisive victory for the men.

It's sort of like the "Miracle on Ice," but without the feel-good upside for the scrappy underdogs.

3:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear that you had such an experience. As a wise person once said (sry, can't remember the source) "It takes all kinds to make a world".

Clearly this person has "issues", (as do we all in all fairness).

Your responses provided feedback re: behavior that could very well be the cause of the complaints described. Paired with your refusal to accept this behavior directed at you personally (also called "limit setting") resulted in a response with attempts to validate his position in the original drama with the third party, and an added attack on your person as someone who is challenging him.

Good for you! You have clearly established a "No Bullshit Policy" here.

Hopefully you can come away from this knowing that providing truth as you see it is what good friends do, and that sometimes providing that truth early in a relationship can result in the dissolution of that relationship.

Again, Good for you for setting healthy boundaries and teaching people (even online) how to treat you.

3:51 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home