Sunday, March 08, 2009

Density ...

Life.

I have a stack of postcards that are white and feature stark black type that reads "All or nothing."

That is the story of my life these past weeks.

I wonder why.

My former life seemed generally boring. A little spurt of activity here and there, but mostly, it was banal. Or so it seemed to me. Others have commented on what an interesting life I've led, and I suppose there are many interesting things that piece themselves together into an interesting view, but day to day, moment to moment, my life seemed quiet.

And then, in October, I lost my job, for which, money concerns aside, I was grateful. It wasn't a good fit.

And then, in November, my birthday rolled around again and Thanksgiving arrived in a flurry of side dishes.

And then, in December, I ramped up for the holidays and baked, but baked less than I've baked in the past because my heart just wasn't in it.

And then, in January, I met someone.

And then, in February, Dave died. And a long-time friendship evaporated. And the someone became something more.

And now, in March, the someone who became something more has become something else. And in the mix, I have had two friends land in the hospital unexpectedly and found out tonight that another friend is scheduled for brain surgery later this month.

So to February and March I say, "Enough already!"

I understand that life happens and that we have no control over the wheres and whens. But is it really too much to ask that the universe disperse life's wallops? Can we kindly dilute this emotional concentration in a gallon jug not a jigger?

The solace in it all stems from the awareness that I will not only muster through this phase but will emerge from it with a stronger sense of self. We can endure much more than we recognize.

But it sure would be lovely to go sit on a rock in Big Sur and stare at the ocean for about a month and let my brain reboot.

Instead, I'll just look at this picture and remember when I was there. Remember the way the light danced on the water and the waves rolled onto the shore as though they were choreographed to the music I'd chosen for the trip. The light was unlike any light I'd experienced before. It is one of my favorite places on earth.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beth, I am also currently going through a similar time of too much coming at me at once. Like you I borrow back good memories, rejoice in the kindness of friends, and during the really rough days -- just focus on the day ahead. Without focusing on the moment it is too easy to become overwhelmed and just shut down.

Thanks for sharing Dave's rememberance book with me. It brought back a lot of good memories and gave me some insight into his life after we lost track of one another.

--Kathy K.

10:05 AM  
Blogger Mercurie said...

Beth, I do hope your life improves and soon. It sounds like your current year is a lot like my year last year. It is hard to take when things just keep happening. The only thing I can say is just keep your head unbowed and have faith that things have to get better!

1:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Somehow we are living much the same life. So know that you are not alone.

9:49 PM  

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