Saturday, February 07, 2009

Returning ...

On Wednesday, I wrote to Dave's friend Anne, "Everything normal feels wrong today."

How could I eat? How could I watch TV? How could I read a book?

I couldn't. And so I didn't.

But the world continues to turn. The finality of a loss is swept along in the current of time. It is still final, but it is a series of moments in lives that go on.

I have been completely overwhelmed by the kindness and love that has swelled around me in the past days. I have been carried on collective shoulders. Some have tended to practical details, some have simply wrapped their arms around me, enveloping me in embraces of exquisite ease.

I've spoken with Dave's mom. We laughed together. I can think of no better tribute to her son. Dave would detest this tsunami of sadness that has overcome us. If he were here, he would slice through the fog of our heavy hearts and compel us to laugh. He was selfless.

And so "normal" continues apace. "Normal" does not pause. "Normal" infuses every day. But "normal" changes. Wednesday ushered in a new era of normal, a world in which I will no longer answer the phone and hear a bright voice say, in its distinctive cadence, "Hi, Beth, it's Dave!"

Dave appeared to lead a quiet life. We spoke nearly every day but I never much thought about all the others who make up his fabric of family and friends. He was our common thread. But instead of becoming undone, in his loss, we have knit ourselves together tightly. And there is much comfort therein.

I am grateful to everyone, for everything. In you, I am rich beyond measure.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Read Julian Barnes's "Nothing to Be Afraid Of," a disquisition on death by (surprise) a practicing agnostic.

3:16 PM  
Blogger Mercurie said...

It is good to see you back, Beth. I think getting back to normal after a death is one of the hardest things one can do, especially given things never will return to normal. And I suppose that's how it should be--it's a sign of how important someone was in one's life.

8:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about normality seeming somehow off. It's been a tough time for all of us who called him a friend, but we'll get through this.

In the meantime, I've become a fan of your blog, and made a new friend. I think that would have made Dave happy


9:10 AM  

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