Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Blue ...

I don't tell most people when I'm sad. I was an overly sullen teenager, so I am a keep-it-inside adult.

I have bad days. I can be moody. But I let go, long ago, of soliciting sympathy.

But this is my blog. This is where I shed my emotional skins. And today, despite the laughter (thank you, David), I'm writing because I'm blue. I'm just blue. This afternoon, I crawled into bed and pulled my comforter close, up to my cheek, and let the down surround me in a textile hug.

The loss of L.A. Dave is very, very real. But it is also surreal. Almost an abstraction. I'm sure his family does not feel that way, having just spent a week in L.A. dealing with details, but for me, who did not see Dave often, my emotions continue to toss around like a tiny boat on a vast and angry sea.

The other day, I told my friend Brent that I think I'm in the eye of the emotional hurricane but that I suspect all bets will be off at the end of the month when I attend Dave's memorial service.

But all is not entirely calm. The more I work on the remembrance book, the more the tears return. And today, reading an update from Dave's brother, Ryan, the words "David's ashes" hit me like a truck.

This month will be bookended by life-changing events, learning of the loss of a friend and then saying farewell.

I know he'll always be with me, but I am now aware of the silence of the phone.

I'm cheered that all of his friends have rallied around one another. There is much support. There is much love.

But today, I'm blue.

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