Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Tonight's ABCs Of PMS ...

A is for Austen. In this case, the story of Jane Austen, featuring Anne Hathaway in Becoming Jane. Sadly, I realized in the first five minutes of this film that I have officially met my lifetime quota of Jane Austen-related anything. And I don't buy Anne Hathaway as a Brit. And so, Becoming Jane is Becoming an Early Netflix Return. I should have known this was coming. The other day, I saw a PBS preview for the famed, swoon-inducing, Colin Firth-starring "Pride and Prejudice" and absolutely lacked interest. Though I might still like the Keira Knightley version. If not, who wants my copy of the DVD?

B is for Bridge Mix. I don't know why, but my monthly craving always leads me to crappy chocolate, not fine artisanal confections. So I headed to Walgreen's and was astonished to see long lines at every cash register until I remembered, "Oh yeah. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day." Call me crazy, but when I think "love," I don't think "last-minute gift and a card from the picked-over racks at Walgreen's." Then again, I don't expect floral delivery vans to be colliding in my driveway tomorrow.

C is for Cosmo. Because nothing says PMS like the coverline "Your Va-Jay-Jay: Fascinating New Facts About Your Lovely Lady Parts." I've read the fascinating new facts and can report that they are neither fascinating nor new. I do, however, now hold the key to "The Sexiest Eyebrows Ever." Because that's what's been preventing me from snagging Mr. Right. Go ahead, ask the next guy you see what female body part really turns him on and watch him say, "Brows." There is an obvious pun to be made here involving the word "pluck," but I'll refrain.

All in all, a very unsatisfactory evening (present blog post excepted): A movie that's barely tolerable as background noise (barely tolerable to me, that is), cheap chocolate, and a vapid magazine.

I know better than to expect great journalism out of the pages of Cosmo. And bridge mix never professed to be gourmet. But I had high hopes for Becoming Jane.

Tomorrow, I'll opt for Eastern Promises and Viggo Mortensen's Russian badass.

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