Thursday, October 25, 2007

Hi, I'm Beth and I'm an -oseaholic ...

Sucrose. Fructose. Glucose. If it's got an -ose, I like it.

Which is why I try not to keep sugar in the house. Mind you, it's not like I'll tear the cover off my sugar canister and chug it like a frat boy, but cookies? Nope. Ice cream? Nope. Candy? Nope.

Not on any regular basis, anyway. If I buy ice cream, I buy the slow-churned, lower-fat stuff or frozen yogurt and ice cream cones. Cake cones, not sugar cones. (Yay, me!) Because if I eat ice cream on a cone, I eat less than if I eat ice cream in a bowl. But my self-control is as present as Ferris Bueller, so after one or two servings, I dump the carton's contents down my garbage disposal. Yes, I know it's wasteful, but it's hard to donate a partially eaten carton of ice cream to a good cause.

If I buy cookies, I eat however many cookies I eat with a glass of milk and then I throw out the rest. Sometimes I toss them onto my lawn for the neighborhood critters. Or kids. Whoever. (Oh, I joke. Relax.)

I rarely buy ice cream and I rarely buy cookies but I really rarely buy candy.

Except when Halloween draws near. And then I stock up on treats for the kiddles. I buy candy a couple weeks before Halloween and I put it in my closet. And there it sits. Tempting me.

"Oh, come on, Beth," say the little boxes of Dots. "You can have one little box of Dots. You love Dots. Even though the yellow ones taste exactly like lemon Pledge."

"Psst!" say the fun-size Snickers. "We're practically real food. We have peanuts!"

"So do we!" Ooh, those yellow bastard pouches of peanut M&Ms. They think they're so anthropomorphic, those little chocolate-covered legumes in their bright candy shells.

And then there are the Skittles and the Kit-Kats and the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. They all call to me, too. The Skittles with their chewy, fruity, rainbow-y goodness, and the Kit-Kats, akin to the Nutty Bars of my Little Debbie-eating college days, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, quite possibly one of the all-time best contributions to humankind. According to Wikipedia, "They were created ca. 1928 by H. B. Reese, a former dairy farmer and shipping foreman for Milton S. Hershey." To my knowledge, Mr. Reese never won the Nobel Peace Prize, but he should have. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are not only delicious, they are the epitome of harmonious coexistence. I bet North Korea doesn't have Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Anyway. Yesterday, I stashed the basket of treats and their siren songs on the highest shelf in my walk-in closet, far away from the door. Out of sight, out of mind. Right?

Um, no.

But I haven't gone back to the basket of sugary evil. I've wanted to. Several times today I thought, "Ooh, I just want one box of Dots. Just one." But there's no such thing as one. While there are Dots to be eaten, Dots will be et.

(English Teacher Dave uses the word "et," which isn't actually a word, but hey, he's an English teacher. He can make up words if he wants to.)

So I've started approaching my sugar addiction like an alcoholic deals with alcohol: one moment at a time. When I wanted to snag a piece of candy earlier, I stopped myself and chose not to eat sugar in that moment. And for several moments after that. And then I got busy doing something else and I forgot about the candy. And now I'm thinking about it again, but I don't want it. Because I want to be free of my sugar addiction more than I want a lemon Pledge-flavored Dot.

(And yes, I recognize that I could wait until the last minute to buy Halloween candy and maybe next year I'll do just that.)

Once Halloween is over, I'm pretty much in the clear. On Thanksgiving, I have one tiny piece of pumpkin pie and that's plenty. And when I start the Christmas baking, I'm so sick of being around cookies that the last thing I want to do is eat them, until after I've been done baking for quite a while, at which point I've given most of them away. So I'm safe there.

I suppose there's sugar in Champagne for New Year's, but I don't drink Champagne on New Year's. It's not a great accompaniment to Chinese food. And I don't do Valentine's Day candy. And St. Patrick's Day is all about the corned beef (sugar-free!) and green beer (and I don't like beer!) which takes us to Easter, when I'll break down and have a few jellybeans and maybe a chocolate bunny (sorry, L.A. Dave).

But even this sugar addict draws the line at Peeps. Holy gritty mother of God, the Peeps. They're beyond inedible. The Just Born Peep makers should just toss them into the trash immediately after making them, because I reckon that's where the majority of the Peep population ends up anyway, in a great annual Peepocide. I suspect many of those Peeps are missing their heads. That's about as far as people seem to get before realizing, all over again, that Peeps are disgusting and are not fit for consumption.

They do, however, put on a good show in the microwave.


Anonymous Ethan said...

My personal trainer cousin's secret ice cream consumption method (besides abstinence): Eat it from a coffee mug.

It holds less than a bowl, and unless you get some crazy scoop stacking action going on, you're limited to 3 rolls of the scooper at best. I use a smaller bowl, not being a fan of the mug trick.

Candy corn is EVIL. Mar bought some for around the house. Yeah, right, around the house. It's only "around the house" if I carry some in my palm from room to room before gorging. ACK!

11:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My peeps tell me that Peeps, frozen, are nirvana. I think it's kind of funny that they've multiplied to nearly every holiday now, too. Not nearly as special as they were when we were kids. Personally, I don't eat 'em. They're as bad as those marshmallow circus peanut candy.

1:19 AM  
Blogger Mercurie said...

One of my aunts uses the word "et." Actually, I think it's a variant pronunciation of "ate." I am not sure where it comes from, because everyone else around here pronounces "ate" as, well, "ate."

8:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why not just trot out to your local B&R and buy a single-scoop ice cream cone? Or to the nearest Starbucks for one (1) cookie? Throwing food away because you can't trust yourself not to eat it isn't just wasteful -- it's a little weird.

8:55 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Eth: Ooh, yeah, candy corn is the devil. I can't remember the last time I had any. It's just too much sugar, and that's saying something, coming from a sugar addict.

Anon 1: Frozen Peeps, eh? I could be convinced to try a bite in the interest of science. I have a very health-conscious friend who loves those orange spongy peanuts. I guess everyone has to have a vice.

Merc: I'm sure "et" is accepted in some circles and I like it. It's just not common, and some of my commenters would no doubt have jumped on me, a writer, for using non-standard English. They don't seem to get that this is my blog and I can write whatever I want.

Anon 2: Yes, I know it seems weird, but when I want store-bought cookies, I want a very specific kind. As for ice cream, I'm more of a DQ gal, but it annoys me to spend $3 or $4 on one treat. So I buy ice cream on sale, eat what I want, then pitch it.

9:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Although having to spend $3 or $4 on one treat might actually serve as a deterrent. Kind of like upping the tax on cigarettes.

--Anon 2

9:15 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Good point!

In any event, I'm trying to kick ice cream.

9:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dairy Queen ice cream isn't even real ice cream. But what's the point, right? It tastes so good.
And I cracked up about the lemon Pledge dots. I always thought that but never wanted to say it becuase I was afraid people would think I secretly ate Pledge. Or drank it. Whatever. For the record, I have not.

1:26 PM  
Anonymous JoLynn Braley said...

Hi Beth,

I'm so with you, being a sugar addict myself. Glad to hear that you are aware that you "can't have just one". I know that there are millions of others out there just like us, but not everyone knows why they're grumpy when they don't get their sugar fix.

Anyway, great job with staying on top of it, you're doing awesome. Oh, and I haven't bought any candy to give out for Halloween. I'm very conflicted on that because I know it's a tradition, but it's also sugar overload for all of those kids out there. So, I haven't decided if I want to do it this year. See how strong of a hold sugar has on society? It's really something... can't tell me that it's not addictive! ;)

9:50 PM  
Blogger said...

I like hearing about your donations all over the yard. :)

7:50 AM  

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