Friday, May 25, 2007

'Seraphim Falls' ...

Sigh.

Liam, Liam, Liam.

Pierce, Pierce, Pierce.

Honestly. Boys. What were you thinking?

It's not just that the movie moves slower than a man without water on a horse without water in the middle of the desert. It's not just that nearly two thirds of the movie plays the same note over and over and over and over: Liam's pissed and he's after Pierce. Pierce is a crafty son of a bitch, so Liam better watch his back. It's not just that Angelica Houston shows up in the third act in a scene that must have made audiences everywhere say, "What the hell?" It's not just that Angie Harmon is onscreen for about 70 seconds. (I wonder what she got paid for 70 seconds ...)

As I just told Doreen, skip this movie and spend the two hours poking yourself in the eye with a sharp stick instead. Same difference.

I adore Liam Neeson. His performance in Schindler's List knocked me on my ass. I love Pierce Brosnan. Aside from his hunky roles (yeah, yeah, Bond, but he was great in the remake of The Thomas Crown Affair), he really endeared himself to me in The Matador.

Is it every boy's fantasy to make a cowboy movie, to get to carry a gun and ride a horse and wear a hat? Maybe that explains their motivations. Or maybe they were bored. Or maybe their wives told them to get out of their homes and do something.

I was all about this movie when I learned of it. Pierce and Liam in the same movie? That's damn-near movie nirvana for me. I once told Ciaran that he and Liam need to make a movie together.

"Why?" he asked.

"So I can die a happy woman," I replied.

Of course, there's Excalibur, but I want a real Ciaran and Liam movie.

So Pierce and Liam sharing the screen, being all rugged and manly men? Hell yeah.

Except: hell no.

Pierce is part of the commentary track and I was tempted to watch the movie again just to hear what he'd have to say for himself, but I could do something much more productive with those additional two hours. Like cobble my own shoes.

So consider this my public service announcement to the video-renting public: leave this one on the literal or virtual shelf.

Though I will give the movie credit where it's due: There are some gory shots that make you go "OOOF." But it's not bloody "Braveheart" gory, just "Damn, he has good aim" gory.

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