Thursday, April 26, 2007

Driven To The Brink Of Baked Bean Abuse ...

Poor Hugh Grant.

Aside from crossing the line by telling the photographer who was trying to snap a shot that he hoped said photog's children died of cancer (Hugh, Hugh, Hugh, where are your British manners?), you gotta figure that he was clearly driven to the brink if he hurled baked beans at the guy.

Brits love their baked beans. I love baked beans. Therefore, I am British. Does that syllogism hold up? Sadly, not. I'm Serbian, Polish, and a smidgen German.

My mom (from whom I get my Serbianness) makes the best baked beans on the planet. (I should invite Hugh over for a plateful.) Some people just buy a can and heat them up, but not mom. Oh no. Mom renders bacon and then sautees onion in the bacon fat. That mixture goes into the beans, then dry mustard and salad mustard and ketchup. And then she bakes them until they're thick, bubbling, bacon-y, onion-y, mustard-y, brown sugar-y heaven.

Clearly, the baked beans in Grant's world aren't nearly as good as mom's, because if they were, he would have thought twice about letting them fly and he wouldn't be in this mess.

Today, running errands with mom, chatting about this and that, I piped up with, "You need to make baked beans!" Mom wondered aloud where the hell that non sequitur came from. But that's what makes a non sequitur a non sequitur.

A couple years ago, for the 4th of July, mom doctored up two warehouse-club-size cans of baked beans. She had to bake them in three batches. Happily, we didn't even go through one of them. Happiness is leftover baked beans.

Make baked beans, not war, Hugh. And really, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Next time, just ignore the man with the camera, go inside, make some tea and toast and eat your beans.

Otherwise, you'll just find yourself on Leno time after time with Jay asking, "What were you thinking?"

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Anonymous Doreen said...

As a lucky consumer of Beth's Mom's baked beans ... I can attest to their scumdillyocious-ness :)

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Dana said...

I was more shocked to see a tub of baked beans in a Brit's possession than Hugh's actions.

2:22 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

D 1: More baked beans for the 4th this year! Come on by!

D 2: Oh, the Brits love their baked beans. And who can blame 'em!

2:24 PM  

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