Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Sports (For Mike) ...

Mike, one of my 3-Day pals, wrote today to ask when I'm going to start commenting on sports.

Sports.

Hmm.

Sports.

Sports, sports, sports.

That's a fun word.

Thing is, I don't know much about sports. My first gig at the Chicago Tribune was in sports. When I told people I was interviewing for the job, they asked me, "Uh, Beth? Do you know anything about sports?"

"There are three periods in hockey and four quarters in football," I'd say. "I'll figure out the rest as I go."

Well, the job I had in sports had very little to do with understanding sports and a lot to do with answering the phones on Friday and Saturday nights and compiling preps agate, or coding box scores, or inputting horse racing results which we actually got off a wire printer. On paper. In the wire room. Which we then keyed into our hulking Edit Vs.

Actual sports knowledge was not a requirement for the job, though I was always amazed that guys, when there was a lull, would crack open the big-ass baseball encyclopedia and read statistics.

Huh?

I've always believed that there is a place in a woman's brain where we store important information like people's birthdays and anniversaries. (If you're a man and you're thinking that this does not qualify as important information, I invite you to remember back to the last time you missed such a day in the life of your significant other. See what I mean?) This same cranial location in men, I've always believed, is crammed full of sports stats. That's why women are always flitting through Hallmark to pick up cards to send for holidays, and men are sitting in bars talking about who was the right-fielder for the '63 Mets. (Raise your hand if you just said the answer out loud. Yeah, I thought so. Now look down. You have a penis, don't you?)

So I can't really write about sports. I used to have a pretty good serve in tennis. I was never much of a fan of basketball despite my height. Football is just brutal. Boxing is worse. Hockey is somewhere in between. I don't run unless chased. I like the idea of volleyball but I never perfected my serve. Walking is pretty much my thing. (Pat is freaked out by the fact that I once walked an 11-minute mile.) Or luge, maybe. Because you get to lie down.

As for watching sports, I catch the occasional baseball game. Tennis from time to time. I think televised golf is silly. Bowling doesn't qualify as a sport in my book. Some would say NASCAR doesn't either, but those drivers endure a lot in those cars. More than bowlers.

Mike specifically mentioned writing about fantasy football. Sorry, darlin'. I ain't your fantasy-football gal. But thanks for bein' my pimp daddy.

Love,
Your Bitch

1 Comments:

Blogger Bag Man said...

I love it! Now don't play sports stupid. Your Bulls (championship years)knowledge was pretty good. If you need help in the trivial sports talk area you can ask me. Also, we are big on Bean Bags or Cornhole, whatever you would like to call it. Don't know if you consider that game a sport, but it's always fun to play a game and indulge in your favorite beverage during the course of the competition.

Peace Bitches!

6:40 PM  

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