Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Dissonant Notes ...

♪ After deciding earlier today that I would make a crappy professional fund-raiser, I got some gumption and fired off solicitations to a new crop of would-be 3-Day donors. A co-worker promptly made a contribution and I actually asked him if he mistakenly added a zero. You gotta love extreme generosity from unexpected sources.

♪ L.A. Dave, who has the constitution to stomach watching "The View" on a regular basis, informed me of a creepy segment from today's show: a "fashion trend" (I'm not buying it, literally and figuratively) disguised as a Swarovski-encrusted giant Madagascar hissing cockroach brooch. "Ew," you're thinking. "Who wants to wear a dead bug?" Who, indeed? So you'll be pleased to learn that it's not dead. That's right, kids. You can plunk down 80 smackers for the privilege of wearing a blinged bug on a leash. Check this, from the retailer's site:

"These insects come in varied patterns and are decorated with the finest Austrian Swarovski crystal. All roaches are male to ensure sterility, and come complete with a leash set. This consists of a gorgeous pin you attach to your clothing with a chain that clasps to the cockroach's carapace to keep him from running amok. The lifespan of these animals is approximately one year if housed and fed properly."

You should never have to feed your jewelry.

♪ The AP out of Amersterdam is reporting: "Dutch pedophiles are launching a political party to push for a cut in the legal age for sexual relations to 12 from 16 and the legalization of child pornography and sex with animals. ... The party also said everybody should be allowed to go naked in public and promotes legalizing all soft and hard drugs and free train travel for all." Well, sure. Free train travel. I can get on board with that platform. And I didn't even mean to make the bad pun.

♪ The end of the world must be nigh: A baby in China was born with three arms and Paris Hilton is releasing an album of reggae and hip-hop. She has reportedly written the lyrics to seven of the songs. I'm sure I hope in vain that one of them is titled "Vapid." Or "Insipid."

♪ I've been very indecisive lately, so instead of taking one dessert to yesterday's Memorial Day cookout, I took three, including Rice Krispie treats. People get stupidly excited over Rice Krispie treats.

♪ I finally watched the entire two-hour season finale of "Lost" yesterday. Holy crap, that's a frickin' brilliant show.

♪ L.A. Dave and I decided that I should approach Sir Paul about being his next wife, as I can play rudimentary keyboards and sing simple harmonies (not that anyone could ever replace Linda) and I have a thing for older men. Toss in an accent and I'm a goner. Dave thinks I should start campaigning right away. I think a respectful waiting period is in order.

(Yes, I'm joking.)

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