Wednesday, May 14, 2008

'P.S. I Love You' ...

Nevermind that the woman in the poster looks nothing like Hilary Swank. Women watch this movie because Gerard Butler is not only stunning, he also has a charming Irish accent and he worships his wife.

Oh, and he's a musician.

I mean, yeah, he's dead 'n' all, but he's a stunning, charming, accented, worshipful Irishman with a guitar. And he's ripped.

He's a stunning, accented, worshipful, ripped Irishman with a guitar.

In other words, he's the perfect man.

"Perfect" is subjective, sure. You might go more for the buttoned-down professional type. Or maybe the hyper-macho sports type.

But if you came home and found Gerard Butler in your bed, would you kick him out?

Yeah, me neither.

My cousin Patty called this movie "Vapid, but perfect for lying on the couch when you're already brain dead and in the mood to watch cute boys."

So that's what I was expecting when I put it on tonight.

I was not expecting to be so completely emotionally flattened by it. Because how can you watch a movie about perfect love and not compare it to your own life? How can you watch a movie about perfect love and not be painfully aware of yourself sitting alone on your couch, crying, a crumpled Wendy's napkin in your fist, wondering if you're ever, ever going to find anything that even comes close? How can you watch a movie about perfect love and feel sadness seizing your heart like a vice and not wonder how you can possibly still miss someone so much, even after all this time?

But there it is.

W Talk ...

My buddy Bill, fellow blogger and fellow newspaper-type person, pointed out on his blog today that W has 250 days left in office.

In honor of this "milestone," I thought I'd dust off the ol' George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown page-a-day calendar (a Christmas gift from L.A. Dave), and rummage around for some shiny gems from the past few months.

Of course, I was not disappointed.

Here, then, a smattering of Bushisms for your very much president-mocking pleasure:

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught seven and a half pound largemouth bass in my lake."
— In German newspaper Bild am Sonntag about the best moment of his presidency, May 2006

"The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is democracy in Germany."
— Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating."
The New York Daily News, April 23, 2003

"My job is to, like, think beyond the immediate."
— Washington, D.C., April 21, 2004

"Sometimes when I sleep at night I think of [Dr. Seuss'] Hop on Pop."
— Washington, D.C., April 2, 2008, discussing education

"The relations with, uhh—Europe are important relations, and they've, uhh—because, we do share values. And, they're universal values, they're not American values or, you know—European values, they're universal values. And those values—uhh—being universal, ought to be applied everywhere."
— Washington, D.C., 2005

"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself."
— Grand Rapids, Michigan, January 29, 2003

As you know, if you terrorize yourself too much, you'll go blind.

And my personal favorite, to date:

"Because he's hiding."
— Aboard Air Force One, discussing why Osama bin Laden is still at large, January 2005

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Happiness Is ...

... my mom appearing at my front door, proffering a huge bunch of daisies because she knows I'm having a bad day.

Daisies are her favorite flower, "the friendliest flower," as Meg Ryan says in "You've Got Mail."

She wanted to bring me irises – my favorite flower – but the flower shop was out, so I got a big bouquet of daisies instead.

Sure enough, I feel better already.

(Click on the picture to seem them life-size!)

Why? ...

Monday, May 12, 2008

'Relative Madness' ...

As I did for Design Star last year (and hopefully again this year, when the time comes), I'm writing a show-specific blog for Zap2It.com.

The latest show? Relative Madness on SOAPnet.

So far, I've only seen (and blogged about) one episode, but there are five more to come, each tackling its own slice of the family pie. I will, however, be posting on other related – badump bump! – topics once a week, too.

Think your family is a bucket full of crazy? You're not alone. Not everyone is Ozzy, but every family has its share of reality show-worthy moments.

Relative Madness rounds up the brood and shines a light on all the warm-and-fuzzy family goings on in our celeb-obsessed culture.

Come on. You know you want to watch.

Save your Proust for the bus where it will impress a prospective spouse.

Vacation? What Vacation? ...

What do you make of a job that has the ability, in the span of a couple hours, to erase the sense that I've just had a week off?

Friday, May 09, 2008

Cupcake, Thy Name Is Cuteness ...

People who know me know: cookies are my thing.

But tonight, I spontaneously spent three hours decorating cupcakes.

Do not be misled: This was no schmear-and-sprinkle hack job.

Tonight, under the tutelage of Karen Tack, I created cupcake art.

I've blogged about Karen and her partner in cupcake crime, Alan Richardson, in the past, but tonight, she was at Sur La Table on Walton, imparting her cupcake wisdom to the eager and willing.

I wasn't scheduled for the hands-on class, but Karen and I have been in touch since I interviewed her for a cookie-decorating story last year, so I met up with her this afternoon and she asked if I could stay and take the class.

Why not? What good is being on vacation if you can't elect to while away an evening turning cupcakes into sunflowers and sharks and spaghetti?

I took pictures of my creations with my camera phone, but a) the quality isn't great, and b) despite sending said pictures from my phone to my computer, most have yet to arrive, and, knowing Verizon, most never will. But I'll still be charged for them.

Anyway, here's my cupcake brood, a little worse for the wear after a ride home in a bakery box, but you get the idea.



Yes, I made these. (And so can you.) Isn't that insane? Karen demonstrated the techniques for each, then we went to our station to craft our cupcakes.

The woman really is an artist. The book features Van Gogh's "Starry Night" rendered in frosting. Damn if it doesn't look just like the original.

Karen, however, has both her ears.

The point is, I'm a cookie girl. But I was able to churn out each of these with relatively little effort. Though as I piped the "fur" onto the Westie, I said, "If I ever make these for my kid's birthday party, he better only have two friends."

Of course, I don't have a kid at the moment, and I'm sure, with practice, I'd get much quicker at turning out a litter of cupcake puppies.

Note that the shark is about to eat the sleeping girl, who has black curly hair because I was born with black curly hair. And is the spaghetti and meatball cupcake not the most brilliant thing you've ever seen? The meatball is a Ferrero Roche hazelnut chocolate. The shark is a portion of a Twinkie "glued" to a cupcake then dipped in grey icing. The centers of the sunflowers are Oreo cookies. The ladybugs are M&Ms.

Karen is the cutest, sweetest, kindest, funniest (insert your favorite superlative here) woman ever. After class, we hung out in her hotel's bar for a couple hours, swapping stories and swilling wine like we'd known each other forever.

Do yourself a favor and buy the book (which is headed straight for the New York Times' bestseller list), or better yet, catch Karen at one of her many events.

You, too, will transform into a cupcake queen quicker than you can say "canned frosting."

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Tuesday, May 06, 2008

In A Word: BLECH. ...

I try to eat healthy. Really, I do. There's little point in working with a personal trainer three days a week only to spend the balance of the days shoveling loads of crap down one's gullet.

Still, every so often, a girl needs to get the hell away from boneless, skinless chicken breast and salad.

Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo, and Pete Yorn, to whom New John recently introduced me, was on my iTunes, singing a song about a burrito (the tune is called, cleverly, "Burrito"), and I thought to myself, "Oooh, a burrito would be gooood." Yes, "gooood" with extra Os. And an Andy Griffth accent.

So in the spirit of vacation and doing new and different things, I decided that yesterday would be the day that I would cease to be a Chipotle virgin. That's right: I'd never been to Chipotle. I'd heard the lore, I'd seen the stores, but I had never crossed a Chipotle threshold.

I went to Best Buy (mine has a surprisingly good selection of music) and bought another Pete Yorn album (Nightcrawler; don't much like it, by the way, and not just because it's titled after a worm) and Miles Davis's Kind of Blue. Have you heard "Blue In Green"?! Ohmygod, it's life-changing. I could listen to it for hours.

Anyhoo, I popped into Chipotle for a burr-i-to (as Yorn sings it) and tried to understand the ordering process. It's kind of like Subway, but for burr-i-tos. OK, got it. I thought I'd go for steak, because a) who doesn't like steak? and because b) it's not chicken.

The man behind the counter began by putting a ginormous spoonful of rice on my burr-i-to-sized tortilla. Rice flecked with something green.

Cilantro, I thought, in the voice superheroes use when encountering their arch-nemeses. Me and cilantro, we don't get along.

Chipotle and I had already gotten off on the wrong foot.

Black beans or pinto beans was my next decision. Black beans, for sure. I love black beans. Though what he spooned onto my rice looked more like the end result of oil refining, not that I have an intimate knowledge of the oil-refining process.

But whatever. I was determined to see this thing through. Chipotle was out of the mild tomato salsa (how the hell does a Mexican chain run out of basic salsa?) so I skipped salsa and moved right on to "cheese or sour cream?"

Both. Duh. In the absence of fat-free salsa, a burrito needs some sort of lubricant, so sour cream becomes the fat-laden stand-in.

Guacamole? GOD no. The texture of avocado makes me want to peel off my skin.

Anything else?

Lettuce, I said, as my burr-i-to worker proceeded to ignore me and turn my pile of cilantro-flecked rice and bean sludge and steak cubes into a very rotund bundle.

It was hard-pressed to pass for a burr-i-to. It looked more like a potato. Or, you know, a po-ta-to.

He marked it with an S, for steak, and I proceeded to pay more than six bucks for my little bundle of cilantro-tainted joy.

The cashier, by the way, was the daughter of the owner of the gym I used to go to. (Oh, yes, that's right: past tense. I've joined a new gym. But that is another post for another day.)

I came home and peeled back a bit of foil, took a bite, and quickly realized that in Chipotle-speak, "steak" is code for "gristle."

I mean, I know it's fast food. I wasn't expecting Kobe beef. I was, however, expecting to be able to, oh, chew and swallow.

The cilantro was slightly less disgusting than I was anticipating, but last night was my first- and last-ever Chipotle experience.

But wait! There's more!

This morning, out for a walk, I noticed on the McDonald's marquee some language touting a new Southern-style chicken sandwich. Huh, I thought, and made a mental note of it. When I got home, a shipment from Amazon was waiting in my mailbox, and inside the box was a coupon for a McDonald's Southern-style chicken sandwich.

OK, then. This is the sandwich's glamour shot. Behold the golden-brown perfection. I headed to McDonald's, handed over my coupon, took custody of my sammich, and headed home to inspect my quarry.

McDonald's touts a "steamed buttery tasting bun ... ." I could forgive the missing hyphen (honestly, it's the largest fast-food chain in the world; would it kill 'em to hire an editor?!) if the bun was in fact merely buttery tasting or if the bun was in fact buttered. But no. The bun is squirted with something resembling what I believe is intended to be butter. The effect, however, brings to mind, at the risk of sounding indelicate, soiled snow. Mmm! Hungry yet? The "buttered" bun, it should be noted, also hosted two anemic pickle slices, pickle slices that could clearly do with a little time in the sun.

The chicken itself looked nothing like the picture, not that that's ever the case.

I reassmebled my "sandwich" and took a bite.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Did McDonald's forget to add the magic flavor chemicals to recreate the fried-chicken experience? I think so.

I tried another bite, just to ensure that the first bite was not an anomaly, just to ensure that my tastebuds hadn't all gone on collective strike the moment I bit into the "sandwich" the first time.

Yes, in fact, the second bite was just as bad as the first.

Good thing I didn't pay for that thing. Into the trash it went.

And I ate a protein bar instead.

So, to recap:

Chipotle "steak" burr-i-to: BLECH.

McDonald's Southern-style chicken "sandwich": BLECH.

I give each one a Mr. Yuk, who is normally reserved for making kids aware of poison, I know, but you should totally avoid this so-called food, too.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted ...

I am blissfully, mercifully, gratefully off this week!

No huge vacation plans, just seeing friends and doing whatever whim dictates.

Went to Cleveland this weekend. Some friends have moved there (to cute Lakewood, Ohio, which is almost an exactly clone of Oak Park) and New John and I met up for a trip to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which, incredulously, lacks anything Zeppelin.

We also went to an Indians game and had what I think were just about the most perfect seats on the planet. Behind home plate, about 25 rows up. Ideal vantage point. The team lost and we drank the world's worst cups of coffee (it was chilly outside, definitely not beer weather, nor am I a beer drinker) but a guy who had clearly had his share of $6.75 beers decided to entertain our section with a running commentary of the action on the field which had everyone around him laughing. Hard. I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

So this week, I'm faced with a very blank slate. A few plans sprinkled throughout my days, but the thing I look forward to most is simply not working. At my job. I'll happily work at other things.

Like writing something more interesting here.

But for now, my second cup of coffee awaits.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Big May Mow ...

Today was the first mow of the year.

My grass really needed to be mowed a week or two ago, but I couldn't face my lawnmower in April. Because once I start mowing, I'm faced with mowing once – sometimes twice – a week until well into November. Seven months of mowing is plenty. I don't want to contemplate eight.

Mind you, I like mowing. I like the instant gratification of it. And I can always use the cardio.

But seriously: We can put a man on the moon but we can't develop a strain of grass that grows to three inches and then stops?

Today I tackled both the front and back yards. As I mowed out back, I ran across some tufts of fur, which reminded me that I witnessed a cat fight a couple weeks ago. I spied a flurry of fur outside my office window. There are several cats who wander in and out of my yard, My neighbor takes care of them, though they're not really her cats. But one of the tails was striped, which made me think I might be witnessing a raccoon-cat fight.

And then they both stopped moving, which made me think I might have witnessed a mutual raccoon-cat murder. Catslaughter? Racoonslaughter? Then they started brawling again. This time, I saw blood. Ah, geez. What's the protocol in that situation? It didn't seem to make sense to go outside and try to break it up. (I had visions of sitting in the ER, getting my first of five rabies shots, explaining to the nurse that I was trying to save a feral cat.)

Then they stopped moving again. Ah, geez. Now was I going to have to call animal control to retrieve carcasses from my yard?

And then they both got up and sort of looked around like, "Huh. OK, then." I smacked my window molding and they looked at me, then they both sauntered off.

The "raccoon" was in fact a cat. Or some mutant raccoon-cat hybrid, but definitely not purebred raccoon.

Anyway, as I was saying, I really love the instant gratification that comes from cutting grass, the chance to watch my progress unfold. And now that it's cut, the weekly maintenance will be pretty easy.

Though I wouldn't mind having a hunky gardener boy. And he could cut the grass, too.

(Insert rimshot here.)

Goodnight, everybody! I'm here all week! Try the veal!

P.S. When I was done with my big May mow (I love saying that: big May mow, big May mow ...), I snapped a few shots of my pretty tulips. When I moved into the house, my friend Joanne brought me bulbs as a housewarming gift – a brilliant idea. She suggested planting them in a place where I'd see them every day. So I choose a spot right along my front sidewalk, so I'd see them whenever I left the house and whenever I came home. I bought a bulb-digger thingee (I was taking my bulb-planting task very seriously and wanted the official equipment to do the job) and then discovered that my soil is like solid clay, so I used a small garden trowel instead. Which I bent in the hard soil. So I bought a better garden trowel and dug down and planted my bulbs, but not deeply enough. I know this because squirrels managed to dig up most of the bulbs and take one dainty bite out of each one before leaving them next to the mounds of dirt like so many discarded chocolates. But a few have stayed in the ground. And this year, I have seven flowers. And now I have them preserved digitally. And I get to see them every day because I made this picture my computer's wallpaper.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

'The Tiny One' ...

So here we are, April 30th, the end of the month, and I have yet to finish a novel.

A quick scan of my bookshelves didn't yield a novel tiny enough to cram in tonight.

In that way, I have failed. Mercurie challenged me to read one book of fiction per month in 2008 because he thinks we just don't read for pleasure enough anymore. But I'm still working my way through Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal. I really do like it. I just haven't been into reading lately. Maybe because I spend my entire day reading for work, reading and editing. So that by the time World News with Charles Gibson rolls around and I shut down my laptop for the evening, the last thing I want to do is look at more words.

But in the spirit of at least posting about a book I've read, even if I haven't read it recently, I offer up this past post, written nearly three years ago, so it's ripe for the resurrecting:

I don't like everything I read.

I have a lot of respect for writers, authors of books. A book. It's such a big thing to accomplish. The writing, the rewriting, enduring editing. But in the end, when it's published, to be part of the world of published authors ... It's one of my goals in life. A book with my name on the spine.

I love picking a new book. I've never lost that grade-school sensation. Library day was always a big deal for me. I loved the library at my elementary school. There were hot spots: Girls knew right where to head each week to see if they could score a Judy Blume book (across from the librarian's desk) and the National Geographics were by the door leading out to the playground. You could tell which issues had pictures of bare-breasted African women or naked men. They were always well-thumbed.

So each time I pick up a new book, I'm eager to love it. Sometimes, I'm drawn in from the first sentence: The characters beckon and don't let go ("She's Come Undone" by Wally Lamb springs to mind). Sometimes, I can't bear to see a book end (if "Memoirs of a Geisha" had a bibliography, I would have read it; anything to not have to come to the endpaper). Sometimes, I'm disappointed, but think that if I read long enough, a book will redeem itself, and by the time I realize that that just won't be the case, I'm often so far along that I can't bear to not finish, but sometimes the notion that by reading the drivel at hand I am wasting time in which I could be reading something else, something I'd really care about, wins out and I close a book, unfinished ("The Fourth K" by Mario Puzo is one such let-down).

A couple months ago, before a business trip, I perused my bookshelves for a book for the plane. Plane books must be paperback, not too thick, trade-size, please. I pulled one off the shelf and read the first page. Then another. Then another. I eventually found the right book.

When I got on the plane, I settled in with my new book and started to read. I was rapt. Amazing writing, some of the best use of simile and metaphor I'd ever envied. Many pages in – sixty or so, I believe – I turned the page and thought, "Well, that doesn't make sense." Flipped back. Read. Turned the page. Continued reading. Nope. Made no sense. But maybe the author had something in mind. I read on. Then it happened again. And again. And I realized the pages were in the wrong order.

Can you imagine? The book I was reading was a debut novel. It was a review copy from a publishing house, but it wasn't a galley. It was a finished copy. Can you imagine the horror of your first book hitting the shelves with the pages in the wrong order?

I was sad. It was too hard to flip through the book to find the proper pages, so I put the book away. The rest of the flight was boring.

A few weeks ago, I picked up a new copy of the book, flipping through it in the bookstore to check the turns (end of one page, beginning of the next) to make sure everything flowed. It did. I bought it.

I'm reading it now. Enchanted as I was the day on the plane. "The Tiny One" by Eliza Minot.


I don't tend to read books more than once. But I find myself turning to this tome over and over. Not to read entirely, but to skim. I've read the first chapter at least five times. The first couple chapters, actually.

If you're like me, when contemplating a new book, you read the first page. Allow me to present it here, to tempt you. Actually, let me present the first chapter. It's very short:

Via Revere. She's just a kid in the morning except that she's sitting still on her bed in the thick of the far-gone winter with her mouth parted open like a grown woman's in thought. Life's got her for the first time pinned up against a wall, open-mouthed. But other than her mouth, and her stillness, the rest of her's pure kid, but stunned. She's slouched and static, puffy-eyed, staring at the rug where it meets the wood floor. She's sitting waiting, lopsided, dumbstruck, not even thinking yet what to think.

Her mother would have put her in the gray flannel or Black Watch plaid dress. Instead Via's wearing an Easter dress that curdles, but nicely, with the raw winter surrounding her. Its white cotton is springlike, clean and pleated, cool over her dark wool tights. Lavender smocking is embroidered across her chest, and her young fresh head grows up out of the starched scalloped collar that petals at her neck. Her hair's got so much static that she can feel it clinging silky to her cheek, buzzing, tickling at the side of her chapped mouth.

One of the cats jumps up beside her and arches to rub along her arm. She pats it without looking at it and with her electricity gives it a little shock so the kitty twitches its whiskers but keeps purring. Via twitches too, her eye, but keeps staring.

She's just a kid and it's morning but nothing's the same. Everything's different now. She's at the beginning of a new chapter. she's perched at the edge of a new era. Grief has been born boring into her soft ripe life full of cartwheels and digging with sticks, leaves and laughter, sky and light, her mother's face and jumps in the air. Grief's been injected like a strange sedative that has the opposite effect—it wakes you up. It's jarred her like shaking her shoulders. It has her. The grizzle of life has rattle her numb. It's like she's been whacked in the head out of laughter and now she sits alone on her bed, looking out, in awe at anything, in awe at everything, stunned.

Hearing the news is like this: The day was like other days and then it happened. Then the news came like those film clips where huge buildings sway gracefully to the ground like someone's sucking them down with a vacuum. It's a whirl of air. It's a night of movement with billowing as the darkness is go everything go, everything moves, disheveled and alive, rushing with sound. Then suddenly it's silent. It's like the sound has been turned off but you're watching a storm. The trees bend like slingshots and the leaves tornado up into the air. Where is the sound? And then it is over.

Then it is over and it's morning. You've heard the news. You'd almost rather hear it again—fresh—than begin a life with what you know now. It is morning. It is a morning when everything is hit white-yellow and windows of buildings shine in dull flashes. The windshields of slowly moving cars turn weak sun in your eyes. You wince. You feel like a fever that's petrified.

It's her older sister Marly's voice at the door behind her. "You ready?"

The it's her father. "All set?"

They're in the door together but Via doesn't want to turn around to see.

Marly comes and sits beside her. "All set?" she says, like her father just did.

Via nods. She pats the cat Puddle and listens to the purring. "She's purring," Via says.

"Come on," says Marly, nudging her. Marly heads toward the bureau. "I'll get you a sweater."

"No," says Via.

"No what?"

"No sweater."

"You'll freeze, V."

"I don't think I will."

"Well you think wrong," says Marly. "Look at it out there."

Via looks up from the floor to look out the window. She doesn't remember yesterday. Today looks like it's trying to snow.

"I want to stay here with Puddle," Via says.

Marly goes over to her. Marly squats down and looks at her little sister in the eye. "You want to stay with Puddle?" Marly asks her.

Via nods.

"It's not time to go yet," says Marly. "Want me to come get you when it's time to go?"

Via nods again. "Yeah," she says. She's patting Puddle.

Marly kisses Via's forehead as she's standing up. "We'll all be right downstairs if you want to come down," Marly tells her. "Okay?"

" ’Kay," says Via.

When Marly leaves, Via looks back up out the window while she listens to Puddle purr. It's as white as can be out there. Only the rattly knuckled trees are dark and still against the icy snow that's beneath them and behind them. Above the world is a long white sky, open and bare.


The rest of the book is told from Via's perspective, which is what makes me marvel at this novel. That Minot captures, so brilliantly, the goings on of a young girl's mind, a young girl trying to comprehend that her mother has just died.

I'm not giving anything away there. The second chapter begins, "Mum's dead forever."

I'll let you pick it up from there.

3-Day Update, April Edition ...

May? How is it almost May?

Wow. August will be here before I know it.

The 3-Day has been on my mind lately. Driven by a recent spate of very generous contributions, I'm sure. Last night, I dreamt that I was on the event but had forgotten my credential. Your credential is literally your meal ticket on the 3-Day but you need it for everything else you do, too. No credential, no walking. Period.

I'm still trying to understand the part of my dream that required us to write our names on cocktail napkins ...

Now is about the time, a few months out like this, when the 3-Day machine really kicks into gear. Training walks and workshops and media coverage. The firm that handles PR for the 3-Day got in touch with me to ask if I'd be a 3-Day ambassador, which is essentially a resource for reporters to interview for 3-Day stories.

I happily agreed. This will be my fifth 3-Day. I'm a veteran at this point. Whatever I can do to help the 3-Day, I do.

I'm looking forward to August. I never ceases to amaze me that every year's experience somehow manages to top the experience of the years before.

Despite all the dour news every day, there really is a tremendous amount of love and kindness in the world.

Come out to the route during the 3-Day and feel it for yourself.

And bring Popsicles. People who bring Popsicles are rock stars on the route.

If you'd like to contribute, you can click here or click the giant pink box over there, to the right, underneath my bio. Thanks for your consideration.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

New (To Me) Music!, Part 2 ...

New John has been at it again.

Yesterday on IM, he popped up with, "Are you into Pete Yorn?"

"Don't know him," I said.

"You're kidding?"

Actually, it turned out that I had a Pete Yorn track in my iTunes, from a soundtrack, but I had never noticed his name before. So John transferred a couple songs to me.

He started with "Come Back Home."

"HOLY CRAP!", I wrote. "He sounds exactly like Eddie Vedder!"

The first few lines of the song, anyway. Once the tune kicks in, it's definitely not the second coming of Pearl Jam.

John encouraged me to run ... not walk ... to go buy the full album, "Day I Forgot."

I meant to do just that, last night, but I forgot. And then I thought about running to the mall to buy it tonight, but since I already have a couple of the tracks digitally, I bought the balance on iTunes. And saved myself approximately $75 worth of gas in the process. Isn't that what a gallon is going for these days?

The vocal stylings of Mr. Would-Be Eddie Vedder return on "Carlos (Don't Let It Go To Your Head)." For that matter, Yorn's guitar is very Vedder-esque in that tune. Very cool riffs.

So, Pete Yorn, kids. If you're behind the curve like me and this man hasn't crossed your radar yet, give him a listen. He's widely available on iTunes.

Sample everything, but if you buy only one tune, I'd suggest "Carlos ...". It hooks you immediately and doesn't let go.

New Coldplay, Different Coldplay ...

Coldplay's new single is available for free on its web site.

It took several attempts before I was able to get through, but it was worth the effort.

This ain't the Coldplay of "Clocks." If it weren't for Chris Martin's vocal and a bit of piano, I don't think I'd recognize this as a Coldplay tune.

Check it out. When you can get through.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Say, Cheese! ...

Yesterday, I bought a bag of Baked Cheetos.

Today, I noticed this good news on the front of the bag:

Yes, that's right: Baked Cheetos now have added calcium! No longer do those orange-stained fingers just mean snack happiness, oh no. Now they're a sign that you're doing right by your bones, ladies!

In case you're wondering, a single 1-oz. serving of Baked Cheetos provides 10 percent of your recommended daily allowance of calcium. And since nobody eats just one ounce at a time, you'll be getting even more of the mineral.

See for yourself!

The bag I bought contains 11 ounces. (Well, it did when I bought it.)

But do the math! Each bag of Baked Cheetos contains 110 percent of our daily calcium requirement! Why suffer through milk (do you know what's in that stuff?) or yogurt (might as well call it fruit slime!) or calcium supplements (who wants to swallow boring white pellets the size of a baby's foot?) when we can be snarfing whole bags of crunchy orange corn-based nuggets? And the phosphorus and magnesium and Vitamin E and Vitamin B6 and riboflavin and thiamin and niacin and iron? Nutritional bonuses, all!

Zero cholesterol, zero trans fat!

And hey, protein!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

My Dream Team ...

Y'all know how much I love J-D, my hair architect.

But now I have yet another reason to love Dennis Bartolomei (the salon): Ronnie. Or is it Ronny? Roni? Ronie? Ronee? Damn, I should have asked. I'll get that detail later. But for now, what you need to know, not necessarily in this order is a) he's stunning, I mean, like, so attractive it's almost distracting. (I wonder if Dennis hires his staff from some salon genius academy/modeling agency. J-D is total model material, too.) And b) He's a brilliant make-up artist.

Sadly, I forgot to snap a picture of him and J-D before I left the salon (I just texted J-D and told him I need a picture of the two of them, which I will post as soon as it arrives), but R is absolutely, 100%, without question the male version of Linda Evangelista. Really. But the best part is that, just like J-D, he's the sweetest thing, so adorable, so fun. If I used phrases like, "We are so BFFs!", I'd say, "We are so BFFs!" But I don't speak that way so I won't. But R is so being invited to my birthday lunch this year.

So J-D and R, together, are my dream team. I adore them.

I was in dire need of a visit to J-D because my roots were showing in a big way, and by roots I mean "more grey hair than my psyche can handle." So this morning, I washed my hair but didn't bother to style it. Just gathered it in a twist at the base of my neck and headed for the salon.

In a chair, he took it out of its elastic, then immediately took out his scissors and started cutting.

"Wow, no foreplay," I said.

But he wanted to get a jump on the cut. He pulled out an awkward layer and said, "I mean, what is this doing here?"

"I don't know," I said. "You put it there."

Snip, snip, snip. Assess. Snip, snip, snip. He was like Edward Scissorhands. My head was like a hedge.

Within seconds, my hair was already falling better.

Hair architect, people. Hair. Architect. Or, as I dubbed him today, The Hair Whisperer. "I listen to the hair," he says. "It tells me what to do."

He disappeared to mix my color and returned with two bowls and his color book, a binder in which he keeps his clients' color "recipes."

"I didn't write anything down for you the last time," he said. "I wrote 'Forgot.' " We both cracked up. A very useful entry, that. So later, he could remember that he forgot.

He glopped up my hair, folding in foils. When he was done, he sent me off to R for makeup.

"Can I do your eyebrows?" he asked.

"Do whatever you like," I said.

I'd never had my eyebrows shaped before. Not that I looked like Bert, but they certainly were in need of some shaping by the deft hand of someone wielding tweezers.

For those scoring at home, I was now sitting in a salon smock with two different colors on my hair, half of which was trapped in foil, having a man – albeit it a very pretty man – pull hair out of my face. And later, I got to pay a large sum of money for this privilege. Honestly, the things we women go through for you people.

Makeup-wise, it's an odd sensation – to me – to have someone applying stuff to my face, but he did a lovely job. Makeup never ceases to amaze me in its ability to transform. If you see someone famous without makeup and with, the difference is always so dramatic. They almost look like two different people.

My transformation was far more subtle. I looked in the mirror and said, "I'm going to look at condos this afternoon. This is totally wasted on looking at condos." But he didn't think so. And really, he has a point: Looking pretty doesn't have to be predicated on something "important." Pretty for pretty's sake is just fine.

Besides, he had nothing else to do at the moment.

J-D had told me during his initial cut that he knew exactly how he wanted to style my hair that day. "Like Fergie!", he said. It never fails to take me a moment when people mention Fergie to realize they're talking about the singer and not the Duchess of York. "She's on the cover of Glamour," he said. Later, he showed me the issue. Long. Wavy. OK. "But I don't know about the center part," I said.

"Oh, we won't do that," he said. Good. Center parts are still too Marcia Brady for my tastes.

So back in his chair, he continued cutting and then started styling. As he curled sections (to create waves, not curls), I said, "You know, my hair always looks great when I leave the salon, but an hour later, it's pretty much fallen out."

"It DOES?"

"Yeah."

At which point he picked up a can of stuff and started spraying my hair. Setting spray, it was. "Tell me if your hair still falls," he said. "I didn't know it was doing that. You should have said something."

"I figured the weight of my hair just pulled out the style," I said. My hair is getting really long. We joke that it looks like I have extensions.

Well, lemme tell you: This setting spray stuff is frickin' magic! Today was a very windy day in Chicago, and many hours later, my hair still retains a lot of the curl he put in 8 hours ago.

But back in the salon, after he was done with his curling iron, he started pinning up sections of my hair. "I don't know about the pinning," I said.

"It's Fergie," he said. "You're trashy and rock 'n' roll!" He kept pinning.

"Honey, I just don't like it," I said, which is the first time in 16 years I've uttered those words to him. So he took the pins out and fluffed it to let it fall around my face. Much better.

So this is my hair an hour or so after I left the salon, after walking a couple of miles in insane Chicago wind, which would normally destroy any style and/or volume in my hair. Also, note how the florescent light of the public bathroom at the Merchandise Mart makes my hair look quite blonde and somewhat green. Sexy! But then again, it's shot with a camera phone. What am I expecting? The cover of Vogue?

And this is my hair tonight, many, many hours after I left the salon. The picture is cropped thusly to avoid the "giant hand in the foreground" aspect of photographing oneself in a mirror. This photo provides a much truer picture of my current color.

When Brian and I were leaving Artopolis at the Mart this afternoon, we happened to be walking out the same set of doors at the same time as my friend Qusai, whom I haven't seen in several years. He looked over at me briefly but kept walking. Once we were outside, I said, "Qusai?" My voice clued him in. "Ohmygod!" he said. "I didn't recognize you! When did you go blonde?"

To which I thought, "I'm not blonde." But Brian says I am, too. To which I say, "Au contraire." This color isn't blonde. This is blonde.

And this post has gone on quite long enough.

I'll post a picture of R and J-D as soon as possible. I want to introduce you to my favorite boys. And I'll even let you book appointments with them. I won't hoard their talent.

Pretty for everyone!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Bruce's Eulogy For Danny ...

I post this (copied from Bruce's site) partly because I am a Bruce fan but mostly because it is one of the best pieces of writing I've read in a long, long time:


FAREWELL TO DANNY

Let me start with the stories.

Back in the days of miracles, the frontier days when “Mad Dog” Lopez and his temper struck fear into the band, small club owners, innocent civilians anad all women, children and small animals.

Back in the days when you could still sign your life away on the hood of a parked car in New York City.

Back shortly after a young red-headed accordionist struck gold on the “Ted Mack Amateur Hour” and he and his mama were sent to Switzerland to show them how it’s really done.

Back before beach bums were featured on the cover of Time magazine.

I’m talking about back when the E Street Band was a communist organization! My pal, quiet, shy Dan Federici, was a one-man creator of some of the hairiest circumstances of our 40 year career… And that wasn’t easy to do. He had “Mad Dog” Lopez to compete with…. Danny just outlasted him.

Maybe it was the “police riot” in Middletown, New Jersey. A show we were doing to raise bail money for “Mad Log” Lopez who was in jail in Richmond, Virginia, for having an altercation with police officers who we’d aggravated by playing too long. Danny allegedly knocked over our huge Marshall stacks on some of Middletown’s finest who had rushed the stage because we broke the law by…playing too long.

As I stood there watching, several police oficers crawled out from underneath the speaker cabinets and rushed away to seek medical attention. Another nice young officer stood in front of me onstage waving his nightstick, poking and calling me nasty names. I looked over to see Danny with a beefy police officer pulling on one arm while Flo Federici, his first wife, pulled on the other, assisting her man in resisting arrest.

A kid leapt from the audience onto the stage, momentarily distracting the beefy officer with the insults of the day. Forever thereafter, “Phantom” Dan Federici slipped into the crowd and disappeared.

A warrant out for his arrest and one month on the lam later, he still hadn’t been brought to justice. We hid him in various places but now we had a problem. We had a show coming at Monmouth College. We needed the money and we had to do the gig. We tried a replacement but it didn’t work out. So Danny, to all of our admiration, stepped up and said he’d risk his freedom, take the chance and play.

Show night. 2,000 screaming fans in the Monmouth College gym. We had it worked out so Danny would not appear onstage until the moment we started playing. We figured the police who were there to arrest him wouldn’t do so onstage during the show and risk starting another riot.

Let me set the scene for you. Danny is hiding, hunkered down in the backseat of a car in the parking lot. At five minutes to eight, our scheduled start time, I go out to whisk him in. I tap on the window.

“Danny, come on, it’s time.”

I hear back, “I’m not going.”

Me: “What do you mean you’re not going?”

Danny: “The cops are on the roof of the gym. I’ve seen them and they’re going to nail me the minute I step out of this car.”

As I open the door, I realize that Danny has been smoking a little something and had grown rather paranoid. I said, “Dan, there are no cops on the roof.”

He says, “Yes, I saw them, I tell you. I’m not coming in.”

So I used a procedure I’d call on often over the next forty years in dealing with my old pal’s concerns. I threatened him…and cajoled. Finally, out he came. Across the parking lot and into the gym we swept for a rapturous concert during which we laughted like thieves at our excellent dodge of the local cops.

At the end of the evening, during the last song, I pulled the entire crowd up onto the stage and Danny slipped into the audience and out the front door. Once again, “Phantom” Dan had made his exit. (I still get the occasional card from the old Chief of Police of Middletown wishing us well. Our histories are forever intertwined.) And that, my friends, was only the beginning.

There was the time Danny quit the band during a rough period at Max’s Kansas City, explaining to me that he was leaving to fix televisions. I asked him to think about that and come back later.

Or Danny, in the band rental car, bouncing off several parked cars after a night of entertainment, smashing out the windshield with his head but saved from severe injury by the huge hard cowboy hat he bought in Texas on our last Western swing.

Or Danny, leaving a large marijuana plant on the front seat of his car in a tow away zone. The car was promptly towed. He said, “Bruce, I’m going to go down and report that it was stolen.” I said, “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

Down he went and straight into the slammer without passing go.

Or Danny, the only member of the E Street Band to be physically thrown out of the Stone Pony. Considering all the money we made them, that wasn’t easy to do.

Or Danny receiving and surviving a “cautionary assault” from an enraged but restrained “Big Man” Clarence Clemons while they were living together and Danny finally drove the “Big Man” over the big top.

Or Danny assisting me in removing my foot from his stereo speaker after being the only band member ever to drive me into a violent rage.

And through it all, Danny played his beautiful, soulful B3 organ for me and our love grew. And continued to grow. Life is funny like that. He was my homeboy, and great, and for that you make considerations… And he was much more tolerant of my failures than I was of his.

When Danny wasn’t causing chaos, he was a sweet, talented, unassuming, unpretentious good-hearted guy who simply had an unchecked ability to make good fortune and things in general go fabulously wrong.

But beyond all of that, he also had a mountain of the right stuff. He had the heart and soul of an engineer. He learned to fly. He was always up on the latest technology and would explain it to you patiently and in enormous detail. He was always “souping” something up, his car, his stereo, his B3. When Patti joined the band, he was the most welcoming, thoughtful, kindest friend to the first woman entering our “boys club.”

He loved his kids, always bragging about Jason, Harley, and Madison, and he loved his wife Maya for the new things she brought into his life.

And then there was his artistry. He was the most intuitive player I’ve ever seen. His style was slippery and fluid, drawn to the spaces the other musicians in the E Street Band left. He wasn’t an assertive player, he was a complementary player. A true accompanist. He naturally supplied the glue that bound the band’s sound together. In doing so, he created for himself a very specific style. When you hear Dan Federici, you don’t hear a blanket of sound, you hear a riff, packed with energy, flying above everything else for a few moments and then gone back in the track. “Phantom” Dan Federici. Now you hear him, now you don’t.

Offstage, Danny couldn’t recite a lyric or a chord progression for one of my songs. Onstage, his ears opened up. He listened, he felt, he played, finding the perfect hole and placement for a chord or a flurry of notes. This style created a tremendous feeling of spontaneity in our ensemble playing.

In the studio, if I wanted to loosen up the track we were recording, I’d put Danny on it and not tell him what to play. I’d just set him loose. He brought with him the sound of the carnival, the amusements, the boardwalk, the beach, the geography of our youth and the heart and soul of the birthplace of the E Street Band.

Then we grew up. Very slowly. We stood together through a lot of trials and tribulations. Danny’s response to a mistake onstage, hard times, catastrophic events was usually a shrug and a smile. Sort of an “I am but one man in a raging sea, but I’m still afloat. And we’re all still here.”

I watched Danny fight and conquer some tough addictions. I watched him struggle to put his life together and in the last decade when the band reunited, thrive on sitting in his seat behind that big B3, filled with life and, yes, a new maturity, passion for his job, his family and his home in the brother and sisterhood of our band.

Finally, I watched him fight his cancer without complaint and with great courage and spirit. When I asked him how things looked, he just said, “what are you going to do? I’m looking forward to tomorrow.” Danny, the sunny side up fatalist. He never gave up right to the end.

A few weeks back we ended up onstage in Indianapolis for what would be the last time. Before we went on I asked him what he wanted to play and he said, “Sandy.” He wanted to strap on the accordion and revisit the boardwalk of our youth during the summer nights when we’d walk along the boards with all the time in the world.

So what if we just smashed into three parked cars, it’s a beautiful night! So what if we’re on the lam from the entire Middletown police department, let’s go take a swim! He wanted to play once more the song that is of course about the end of something wonderful and the beginning of something unknown and new.

Let’s go back to the days of miracles. Pete Townshend said, “a rock and roll band is a crazy thing. You meet some people when you’re a kid and unlike any other occupation in the whole world, you’re stuck with them your whole life no matter who they are or what crazy things they do.”

If we didn’t play together, the E Street Band at this point would probably not know one another. We wouldn’t be in this room together. But we do… We do play together. And every night at 8 p.m., we walk out on stage together and that, my friends, is a place where miracles occur…old and new miracles. And those you are with, in the presence of miracles, you never forget. Life does not separate you. Death does not separate you. Those you are with who create miracles for you, like Danny did for me every night, you are honored to be amongst.

Of course we all grow up and we know “it’s only rock and roll”…but it’s not. After a lifetime of watching a man perform his miracle for you, night after night, it feels an awful lot like love.

So today, making another one of his mysterious exits, we say farewell to Danny, “Phantom” Dan, Federici. Father, husband, my brother, my friend, my mystery, my thorn, my rose, my keyboard player, my miracle man and lifelong member in good standing of the house rockin’, pants droppin’, earth shockin’, hard rockin’, booty shakin’, love makin’, heart breakin’, soul cryin’… and, yes, death defyin’ legendary E Street Band.

New (To Me) Music! ...

New John worships at the altar of Led Zeppelin. To me, the interesting aspect of his devotion is that he's slightly younger than me.

Not that Zeppelin isn't timeless. If this planet is still around in 100 years and if radio hasn't devolved into one giant amorphous audio blob of overproduced dreck, I fully expect that some of the kids will still be cruising, windows down, blaring "Kashmir."

But John didn't grow up with Zeppelin in real time, as some of my older friends did. He came to the music on his own and has grown to appreciate it – though "appreciate" doesn't effectively convey his ardor – as the art form that it is.

I know all of Zep's hits, but when it comes to the complete discography, I have a lot to learn. Luckily, John has a Ph.Z.

Beyond Zeppelin, though, he has very cool taste in music. We've been trading tunes – I've decided that music sharing is OK if it's just a track or two, if it introduces you to a new artist and prompts you to buy their album, kind of like samples at the grocery store: It's cool to try a bite. It's not cool to snarf down enough to call it lunch – and he's turned me on to some very cool sounds.

First up: Van Hunt. How have I not known about this guy? He's kind of Lenny Kravitz-y, but with a more serious musical bent. "Dust" is a great song, and it's available on iTunes. Really, stop what you're doing right now and go plunk down the .99 cents. You can thank me later. And I'll pass your gratitude on to John. (I can also recommend "Out of the Sky": "I've reached the end of my story, and I still don't understand the plot." Those are some good lyrics. And I totally dig the keyboards in these tunes!)

Next up: Built to Spill. While you're at iTunes, check out "Liar" from "You in Reverse." Whenever I hear it, I can't shake the image of a high-school gym decked out for a dance with primly attired guys standing somewhat stiffly on the stage playing an early gig. Which doesn't sound like praise, but it is. They sound like an actual band. With instruments that sound distinct from each other and everything. Remember when music sounded that way? Like when The Beatles played it?

Last up for this installment: "Black Postcards" by Luna. This is the first tune that John chose to share and it set the tone, so to speak. I really dig it (and I really dig the album art). It's quite the crap shoot, sharing music with someone new. If you don't really know someone, it's hard to gauge what they might like. But John hit a triple on his first swing. (Then again, my Yahoo! IM window does display what I'm listening to at any given moment, so he does have insight into my tastes. Yes, I also like Richard Marx. Leave me alone.) This tune arrived just in time for summer. Now I just have to wait for summer. Unfortunately, this song is not available on iTunes, but you can buy the album on Amazon so you can sample it there.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

A Return To Sloth ...

"Ugly Betty."

"Grey's Anatomy."

"Lost."

All in one night.

Television is worth watching again.

'The Savages' ...

Who doesn't love Laura Linney and Philip Seymour Hoffman?

This movie is heartbreakingly realistic. It's the opposite of a feel-good movie. Well, that would make it a feel-bad movie. It's not a feel-bad movie. It's more of a feel-guilty movie.

But the performances are so terrific, it's worth watching despite the sad tone. Weird movie poster, though.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

'We Own The Night' ...

This wasn't the movie poster for this film. But I like it better than the actual movie poster, so you'll get what art I rip off from other sites and like it!

I like this poster for the excellent image of Joaquin Phoenix. I adore Joaquin Phoenix. There's such a vulnerability about him, vulnerability crossed with edge. Did you see Quills? He's amazing in Quills. So is Geoffrey Rush. But I digress.

This movie was, well, it's not really anything we haven't seen before. But there are good performances all around. It's worth seeing. It's just not worth dropping everything to get your hands on a copy. Though the opening scene is really hot. Phew. Make sure the kids are in bed.

This, by the way, is the official movie poster, near as I can gather from my Internet wanderings. See what I mean? It's kinda cheesy. Or maybe it's not cheesy, but it's definitely unoriginal. Then again, really, how many ways can you design a movie poster? Especially when Hollywood churns out so many movies every year. I can't think of the last time I saw a really great movie poster. The film is set in the late '80s, hence the World Trade Center in the skyline.

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